Question Mark

My Hope

2012-02-16T12:31:00.000-05:00

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace

as you believe in Him

so that you may overflow with hope

by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

Tears Flowing. . .

2012-02-14T18:08:00.007-05:00

but not for the reason one might think. These are sweet, precious, happy tears given to me by my son. Last week while in the car driving somewhere, we were chatting away and I believe I asked him if he was alright. He said yes and then he asked me if I was alright. In a humorous tone, I said, "I think I'm alright -- am I alright?" He chimed back, "Mom, you are alright in my book!" That statement melted my heart!

This morning, after he had left for school, I came out of my bathroom and on the floor was a huge heart-shaped box of candy with a simple homemade card. On the front was written, ' "A__'s" Book'. On the inside were two columns. One side had the title, "Alright", the other side the title, "Not Alright". Under "Alright" was one item. It said, "Mom". The other side there was a long list of witty and humorous items that only he could come up with to make me laugh.

Well, the tears flowed and flowed and flowed and my daughter asked me why I was crying and I showed her the card. She thought it was great!

This guy knows how to "romance" a girl -- simple, sweet and to-the-point!

Later I was treated with more candy, flowers and cards. What more could I ask for? I am truly blessed with wonderful children and others who have shown their love not just today but everyday!

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

It doesn't take a spouse or significant other to enjoy this day -- just people who love you deeply and sincerely!

Drained!

2012-02-02T19:28:00.003-05:00

Today has been a less than productive day. You could say I have been in a somewhat numb state of being. I woke up this morning worn out after having a dream about George. It has been awhile since I have had any dreams about him, but when I do, the theme is always the same. He comes back but we can never be together. We are forever separated, although, he is right there with me. Some thing or someone comes between us. This dream was someone. I was SO angry in my dream. I tried hard to understand why he could not be with me, but no explanations. Just sadness. In my dream I tried to hit, break, throw, do something to get my anger out but I did not have enough strength to release it. I wanted to hurt him for not choosing to be with me but couldn't. When I awoke I was emotionally drained.

Then to hear of the death of "P" whom I wrote of in my previous post, just kind of put me over the edge. I cried and cried, all the pain of my loss coming to the surface, again, and thinking of how this family will have to go through the same.

On top of it all, my mother's health continues to deteriorate both physically and mentally and that just saddens me to my very core.

So today, I thought I would wake up to get some much needed projects done, but instead, I just piddled around, doing nothing much of anything and feeling like life has been drained out of me.

Hoping with a good night's rest -- no dreams -- I will be better in the morning.

Promises, Promises

2012-02-02T10:39:00.005-05:00

A few days ago while driving home after I dropped my daughter off at school, I was treated to a beautiful gift. It was a rainbow. I know, I know, rainbows are not an unusual occurrence, but this one seemed different, so unexpected with the sun shining and the sky mostly clear. It was early in the morning and rain clouds were building in the western sky. As I looked at this rainbow -- just beginning, not completely whole -- I noticed that the darker and more dense the clouds, the deeper, richer and more distinct the colors were. As the clouds started to spread their darkness across the sky, the more complete the rainbow became. It was only from the sun shining its light upon these blackened clouds that this brilliant rainbow appeared.

I love rainbows and the reminder of what they represent -- the promises of God. While I observed the sky (wishing I had a camera with me), I thought about life and how we experience the darkest of times. They cover and fill us with the heaviness of an ominous, rain-filled cloud. BUT,

if we/I look purposefully . . .

It is at these times that the light of God's promises can shine more brightly.

It is at these times that His promises become more rich, more deep, more distinct.

It is at these times that we can see the beauty His promises hold.

It is at these times that His promises move us closer to completeness.

It is at these times that I must remember to cling to God's Word.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us,

in that while we were still sinners,

Christ died for us/ME."

Romans 5:8

“For God so loved the world/ME, that he gave his only Son,

that whoever believes in Him should not perish

but have eternal life."

John 3:16

"Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be afraid, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you; I will help you;
I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

"The Lord watches over the alien, and sustains

(gives support or relief to, nourishes, carries, bears up under)

the fatherless and the widow,"

Psalm 146:a

"And remember, I am with you always,

even to the end of the age."

Matthew 28:20

" 'Though the mountains be shaken
   and the hills be removed,
yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken
   nor My covenant of peace be removed,'
   says the LORD, who has compassion on you."

Isaiah 54:10

"You will keep him in perfect peace,

Whose mind is stayed on You,

Because he trusts in You.

Trust in the Lord forever,

For in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength."

Isaiah 26:3-4

I started this post a few days ago. This morning I found out that a family I had been praying for lost their beloved husband and father. Over a year ago in the midst of a life filled with sunshine, a black cloud loomed in the distance. "P" was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. As this dark cloud spread across this family, the "rainbow" of God's promises ever deepened in their lives. This man and his family valiantly fought the cancer, always sharing their dependence on God to carry them through. Today, though the darkness still looms over this family because of their great loss, "P" has now been made complete. He is with his Savior, Jesus Christ. Please keep them in your prayers -- surviving him are his wife and five children, ages 17 and up.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

A Post Revisited

2012-01-31T23:41:00.008-05:00

The following was one of the first posts I put on my blog. There were no explanations for it or why I wrote it, but I thought I would share now. Around three years after George died, I felt as if I was heading for a breakdown. There was much going on in my life and I could no longer handle my grief or the responsibilities and chaos that were swirling around me. I was angry, hurt, depressed and felt as if God had abandoned and betrayed me. I did not want to exist. It is then that I sought counseling. I remember telling my counselor that I envisioned myself on my knees slumped over -- in great despair. Above me a battle was being waged for my life between Satan and God, and at that point, I did not know who was going to win. I was in a desperate state -- physically, emotionally and spiritually. I attended one-on-one counseling for awhile and then I was asked to be in a group setting. There were several women, all with different backgrounds, all with different circumstances, all there because we were filled with hurt, insecurity, shame, hopelessness and anger. Each week we read a chapter from a book and were given assignments. Toward the end we were given an assignment to write a blessing to someone who had brought deep hurt into each of our lives. This was to help release ourselves from the anger that weighed us down. This was only to be shared within the group not actually sent out.

There will always be someone in one's life that will cause great pain and anger. I could have picked a few, but the One that kept coming to my mind was God. For me to be truly honest, I realized it was God I was most furious with because He was the One who could have let George live, He was the One who took George away, or so I felt at that time. I was livid with Him and all the things that happened after his death that I had and still have to handle.

From listening to a song by the group Selah, "I Bless Your Name", and reading a book on the names of God, I came up with my own blessing to God relating His names to some of the circumstances I dealt with and continue to, along with new ones.

I wish I could say I don't still get angry, because I do at times, very, very angry. There are many times I grieve, cry, struggle, get weary, fall in despair, feel lost, alone, afraid, ashamed. Life is not easier just because I am a Christian and I am not immune from suffering, Not. At. All! But through the trials and tribulations, and there are MANY, I hope to . . . no, I NEED to . . . bless His name.

I bless your name, Adonai Yaweh,

the Lord God,

there is no other.

I bless your name, El Roi,

the One who Sees me,

when I feel invisible.

I bless your name, Adonai Shalom,

the Lord of Peace,

when I am anxious and afraid.

I bless your name, Elohim Emet,

the God of Truth,

when I am full of doubt.

I bless your name, Elohei Ma’uzzi,

God of My Strength,

when I am weak.

I bless your name, Elohei Mikkarov,

the God who is near,

when I am alone.

I bless your name, Jehovah Nissi,

the Lord is My Banner,

when I feel defeated.

I bless your name, Jehovah Rophe,

the One who heals,

when I am wounded deep in my soul.

I bless your name, Ma’on,

the One who is a Refuge and Dwelling Place,

when I need to run from the storms of life.

I bless your name, Jehovah Jirah,

the One who will Provide,

when I am uncertain about my financial future.

I bless your name, Yaweh Ro’i,

The Lord is My Shepherd,

when I am lost and can’t find my way.

I bless your name, Abba Father,

the One who is THE daddy,

when I see my children without their daddy.

I bless your name, Parakletos,

the Comforter and Advocate,

when I hurt or need someone to stand up for me.

I bless your name, Yeshu’ah,

the God of Salvation and Deliverance,

who saves me from the depths of despair

and delivers me onto the safe rock.

I bless your name, Go’el,

the Kinsman-Redeemer,

the one who paid the ultimate price for me.

I bless your name,

El Shaddai,

God Almighty.

I bless your name,

Elohei Tehillati,

God of My Praise.

"Starburst"

2012-01-12T19:44:00.000-05:00

Today is my youngest child's birthday. She is 17. It is amazing how time can feel like it drags and yet, before you know it, it has flown by. As I mentioned in another post, I commemorate my children's birthdays with some kind of birthday poster. I have made 71 posters (3 x 18 + 17) over the last 25 years. Whew, one more to go! Although, I look forward to not having to make any more (trying to come up with a new 'creative' idea), I am also saddened that our four "babies" will be all grown up.

This birthday I used a "starburst" theme. My daughter loves Starburst candies! It fits her. She burst into our lives seventeen years ago. She dazzled us with her sparkly, ~~in-your-face~~ straightforward, full of energy, creative personality! George and I fell in love with her the moment we lay eyes on her! She is truly a gift from God.

This year has been a rough one for her. Grief surfaced with great intensity. I expected this to happen at some point because of her age when George died. It has been difficult for her. It has been difficult for me to see her hurting. She is doing better and I have seen God use this time to work in her life . . . and mine too.

So . . .

I love you!

You bring a twinkle to my eye,
A smile on my face,
and
Joy to my heart!

♫ "I'm Glad It's Your Birthday."♪

2012-01-06T17:20:00.007-05:00

♩Happy Birthday to You! ♬

George, today would have been your 55th birthday, but it doesn't matter to you anymore. I thought about how wonderful it must be to not have to think about growing old "gracefully" or "clumsily". I thought about how you do not have to think about time, numbers, quotas. You don't have to think about a having a job, losing a job, job reviews, money. You don't have to think about sin, temptation, defeat, winning, being the best. You don't have to think about aches, pains, illness, disease. You don't even have to think about celebrating this one day because every day in Heaven is a celebration. No, it's not about you, it is about Jesus and what He has done for you. You get to celebrate and worship non-stop, eternally! Wow, I am envious and glad and looking forward to the time when I can celebrate with you!

So, although I am thinking of you this day and celebrate that you were born and am so grateful you were a part of our lives and miss you like crazy, I have the joy of knowing that you are eternally free from the constraints of this world.

"But do not forget this one thing, dear friends:
With the Lord a day is like a thousand years,
and a thousand years are like a day."

II Peter 3:8

"Better is one day in Your courts (Lord)
than a thousand elsewhere;"
Psalm 84:10a

A Special Gift

2012-01-03T23:50:00.001-05:00

This past week I received a card from an organization that was given a donation from a family in memory of George. This family knew George through scouts. George was a Cub Scout Leader for five years and had just "bridged" over to Boy Scouts with my youngest son, when he died. George had been a leader for their son a few of those years. George was a GREAT scout leader -- all the parents and boys loved him! Unfortunately, my sons were unable to complete scouts -- it was too much emotionally and physically for us.

This family, even after eight years, has not forgotten George. They remember and honor him by this simple display of generosity and by doing so, they remember our family. It touches my heart deeply!

Thank you "C" family for this very special gift ❣

My Desires For 2012

2012-01-01T17:46:00.007-05:00

"Open my eyes that I may see

wonderful things in your law."

Psalm 119:18

~~~~~

"The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.

You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God."

Psalm 51:17

~~~~~

"Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always."

I Chronicles 16:11

~~~~~

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,

and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

~~~~~

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served,

but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."

Mark 10:45

~~~~~

"I will be glad and rejoice in you;

I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."

Psalm 9:2

2011. . .

2012-01-01T13:08:00.009-05:00

has ended. As I reflect on the past year, I find that it has been full of:

Sorrow

Joy

Tears

Laughter

Losses

Gains

Pain

Relief

Sadness

Happiness

Disagreement

Reconciliation

Defeat

Triumph

and

Hope, Mercy, Forgiveness, Grace, LOVE

It has been, in all honesty, a year like every other year. Sometimes the good outweighs the bad and sometimes the bad outweighs the good. What will 2012 bring? I do not know. . . but God does and I am grateful that He will be with me in whatever comes my way.

"And behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Matthew 28:20

Blessed CHRISTmas

2011-12-25T12:32:00.002-05:00

A Heavy Heart

2011-12-24T13:12:00.000-05:00

My heart is heavy as I just learned that my former counselor's husband passed away yesterday morning. He was diagnosed with Stage IV esophageal/stomach cancer less than three weeks ago. His passing was eminent but unexpected so soon. Tears stream, my heart hurts as I know the deep grief my dear counselor/friend and the family will have to go through. Ann was instrumental in helping me get through my lowest time -- There. Are. No. Words.

Our comfort and joy is that Tom is with the Lord now, free from his sickness. He loved the Lord so very much!!! He will be missed by so many. Please pray for this family.

* * * * * * * *

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Matthew 5:4

The Christmas Story

2011-12-24T10:45:00.003-05:00

Eleven/ten years ago my children videotaped a play for Christmas. It took two years to complete -- the first year the actors went "on strike" because the ~~write/producer/director~~ big sister became too bossy. So half way through, production halted, and the next year after ~~some negotiating~~ much asking, it was finished. George and I had nothing to do with this project. This was all our children's idea. It has been a precious reminder of what the reason is for this season -- Jesus Christ, Messiah, Savior, born to bring forgiveness, mercy, grace, hope, salvation and peace that passes all understanding to a world that so desperately needs Him.

The video is a bit choppy (before digital), but I think you will get the message. I am truly blessed to have my dear children share the story of Christmas. They are so young here! Time flies so quickly, but this moment will always remain steadfast in my heart! I love them so very much!!!

"For unto is born this day in the city of David,
a Savior which is Christ the Lord."

Luke 2:11

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ps_3WDQVhrQ&context=C32833f2ADOEgsToPDskLiQdIEyj98Mn5jNK3sYNeo

JESUS

2011-12-22T23:27:00.000-05:00

* * * * *

"And Jesus went on with his disciples, to the villages of Caesarea Philippi; and on the way he asked his disciples, "Who do men say that I am?" And they told him, "John the Baptist; and others say, Elijah; and others one of the prophets." And he asked them, "But who do you say that I am?" Peter answered him, "You are the Christ." ~~ Mark 8:27-29

May this Christmas you seek Him and find Him and know Jesus with all your heart!

Post Surgery

2011-12-07T19:04:00.000-05:00

It seems like DAYS ago when my mother went into surgery, but it was only yesterday. My days have become one big blur. My mom did well through the surgery and we are so grateful. There is always that fear, especially when someone is fragile, that they may not make it through being put totally under with anesthesia and having heart issues. She did have some trouble with her heart rate shooting up after surgery so it took awhile before we could come see her.

My sister stayed with her in the hospital overnight. This is a great sacrifice as my sister suffers from severe fibromyalgia. I am so grateful for her willingness to do this. I know it wasn't easy with her own pain and no real sleep. I crashed when I got home, having only a couple hours of sleep. My body and emotions were drained.

It will take some time to see what results will occur with this surgery, but when maneuvering her around and riding in the car, she did not scream out in pain. THAT IS A GOOD THING!!! She will still have pain the doctor said but hopefully not like the past 3-4 weeks. She is home in bed resting and I am about ready to head over to my parents' house to stay the night, in case my dad needs help.

Thank you all for your prayers. It means so much to know others are praying for my family. I am asking for continued prayer for my mom and . . . my dad. He is EXHAUSTED and it is showing more and more. He needs some good rest.

Blessings to all!!

Quick Update - My Mom

2011-12-05T19:00:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow morning my mom will have a minimally invasive surgery called Kphoplasty in three areas of her spine. As I mentioned in a previous post, she slipped and after her MRI, they found three of her vertebrates were fractured: T-8, T-10, and L-5. (Those with medical knowledge will understand, those with no medical knowledge, like me -- EXTREMELY PAINFUL!)

Given my mother's already fragile and hurting body, we are praying that this will help relieve some of her pain, that it will go smoothly (there were already concerns about her rapid heartbeat from Atrial Fibrillation), and that no other complications occur.

I would appreciate all your prayers. Her greatest fear is that this will not work -- there is a 20% chance that it won't. This is a fear for us also because she cannot live with this PAIN much longer. I have to admit I am also a bit afraid of that thought -- you know THAT THOUGHT!!

God IS in control and I will rest on Him.

Thank you to those who read and are praying for our family.

Blessings!

Hope

2011-12-02T01:04:00.006-05:00

This song is one of my mother's favorites. It is what she wants sung at her memorial service when the time comes. It speaks volumes!!!

The Advent season began on Sunday. It is a time to focus on the "coming" of Jesus Christ, first as a baby, born in the the most humble of circumstances. Then to come again, one day, in all His Glory.

The first candle of Advent is the Candle of Hope. Hope was given in the Old Testament scriptures that a Savior, the Messiah, would be coming. Those who read the scriptures waited in anticipation, with faith, that all that was told to them would come to pass, and it did. Now we wait with the same anticipation, with faith, that Jesus will return just as He said He would.

As I ponder this season with all the chaos, uncertainty, trials and sadness swirling around, my hope cannot come from money, education, status, and things. These can change in an instant. My hope cannot come from family or friends. As important as they are in my life and as much as I need them and love them, they are mere humans and invariably will let me down -- as I will them. And my hope definitely will not come from the government -- no explanation necessary.

The one constant, never-changing hope that I have is in Christ

(

)
(
)
(
)

ALONE!

Weepy Weeks

2011-11-25T20:22:00.000-05:00

Confession: During the last couple of weeks I have been extremely weepy. You know the kind of weepiness that destroys contact lenses, makes your body feel totally dehydrated, gives you permanent puffiness around your eyes and redness of the nose. It's the kind of weepiness where you know people are looking at you and you're hoping that they think it is just allergies.

I know part of it is this time of year -- the anniversary of George's death, Thanksgiving, Christmas and January filled with birthdays. These weigh heavily on any other difficult circumstances that may happen and two weeks ago something distressing occurred.

My dear, precious mother slipped as she was getting out of bed and landed on the floor. Because of this fall, she developed a compound fracture in her spine. She has been living in pain for the past eight years from this very thing, but this time, with her already fragile body, the pain is indescribable.

My mother has handled her pain with grace and courage over the years, little complaining, trying not to let it get to her, sense of humor intact. This time is so very different. She can't help but YELL OUT with every move she makes. Just trying to move to a different position in bed or get up to go into the bathroom brings pain that is ruthless. Even with the strongest of meds there is little relief. There are no words to express how difficult it is to watch someone you love so very much in extreme agony and there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING, you can do to help ease their pain!

Tomorrow my dad and I will be taking my mom to get an MRI. I can't even imagine what it will be like for her. Yes, they will sedate her, but will it be enough to keep her from feeling this cruel pain? My heart breaks and my tears flow.

I am asking for prayer for my mom tomorrow as she goes for the MRI, that God will give her peace and comfort; and that the doctors will find some way to relieve her of this pain. Also asking for prayer for my dad. He is weary and in his own physical pain.

Thank you!

"In my distress I cried unto the Lord,

and He heard me."

Psalm 120:1

Praise the Lord!

2011-11-24T19:16:00.001-05:00

Give

Thanks

The

Lord,

For

Good;

His

Love

Endures

Forever!!

(Psalm 106:1)

Reunion Heart

2011-11-07T01:06:00.001-05:00

A few months ago, I purchased this heart pendant necklace --again. The chain on the first necklace I bought broke and I lost both the heart and a pearl pendant, George's last Christmas gift to me. I could not replace the pearl, as it would never be the same, but I chose to replace the heart pendant because the poem that came along with it says it all!

"Since heaven became your home,

I sometimes feel I’m so alone;

and though we now are far apart

you hold a big piece of my heart.

I never knew how much I’d grieve

when it was time for you to leave,

or just how much my heart would ache

from that one fragment you would take.

God lets the tender hole remain

reminding me we’ll meet again,

and one day all the pain will cease

when he restores the missing piece.

He’ll turn to joy my every tear

and when I wear this necklace near,

it will become my simple way

to treasure our Reunion Day."

Never Forgotten ~~ Always Missed ~~ Forever Loved
Reunited One Day!

♥ George ♥

1/06/1957 - 11/07/2003

Motivation

2011-10-13T21:44:00.000-04:00

to do anything is lacking around here which is why I haven't written much. There are many factors and some seem so overwhelming that it is just easier not to do anything. There is the only parenting gig, helping care for my elderly parents, and the process of preparing to move just to name a few. I look around my house and wonder how I am going to get all the things done to prepare it for sale. It is just too much for my body and ~~miniscule~~ mind to fathom. I normally enjoy organizing and have no problem helping others when they need it, but I am having great difficulty doing it for myself right now. This is a HUGE change that has occurred over the years since George's death. I was once organized, at least for the most part, and when I was not quite up-to-par, I had my partner, my other half, to help out. We made a good pair. Now there is only me and I do not make a good "pair"!

I miss him A LOT and this time of year does not help, NO. NOT. AT. ALL! But, as usual, I will put one foot in front of the other, most times stepping on my own toes, forge ahead and motivated or not, things will get done . . .I hope!

Not a "normal" post . . .

2011-10-06T16:30:00.001-04:00

but one I believe needs to be written.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This man's name is Yousef Nadarkhani. He is a Christian pastor of a small church who lives in Iran with his wife and two children. He converted to Christianity when he was 19 years old. He is now 34. Two years ago he was arrested and imprisoned because of his faith in his Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. He has not harmed anyone, though the government has now "made up" new allegations against him because of the increasing publicity about this case. His only crime is his love and dedication to the One who has given him love, forgiveness and hope -- REAL HOPE! After two years of "court" and "appeals", he has been sentenced to execution by hanging. He was asked on three different occasions in the last few days before a "Judge" to recant his Christian faith to save his life. His answer, "I CANNOT!"

This verse came to mind as I have been thinking about this man.

"For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for MY (Jesus) sake will find it." Matthew 16:25

Prayers are needed for Pastor Yousef, his wife (who had been imprisoned for a year, but released, as of now), his children and for the Muslim attorney who has been sentenced to 9 years of prison for defending him.

We do not know what the outcome will be -- BUT GOD DOES -- and whatever shall occur, Jesus' name will be lifted high because of this man's faith and courage!

Most Recent update: Pastor Yousef, who still faces a potential death sentence for not recanting his faith in Jesus Christ, will remain in a prison in Lakan for at least four months, but more likely up to a year. The Iranian court ordered that any decision concerning Pastor Yousef be delayed. The Iranian court had requested an "opinion" from the Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei, but no one knows if he had a role in the decision to keep Pastor Yousef longer in prison so that maybe this case will be forgotten. Continue to pray for this man – that God will continue to give him strength, courage, conviction, safety and especially comfort – and his wife and children, who do not get to see him. We do not know how he is being treated.

Details

2011-09-06T22:40:00.004-04:00

This evening I decided to take a walk around my neighborhood after a long summer of little exercise. (I dislike heat immensely!) As I walked out the door, my dog excitedly in tow, I felt the coolness of the air that had finally reached this part of the country. I began just as darkness was creeping in, the sky clear with a bluish-black hue. As I walked down my driveway, turning past the tall pines alongside, I looked up and there it was -- the moon -- the exact shaped moon that was out the night that George died.

How could I remember such an unimportant, obscure detail as chaos and confusion surrounded me on that night? I can barely remember what I saw or did even yesterday! But in a brief moment, the time between the ambulance taking my husband away with no idea of the outcome, and me getting into the car to go to the hospital, I looked up to a sky much like tonight and there it was -- THE moon. Its bright, sharp outline etched itself deep into my mind and that memory, along with the many others, can never be erased no matter how much I would like it to be!

P.S. (September 7, 2011: Although this memory continues to be a part of my life, I did enjoy my walk and am thankful for the beautiful weather and God's amazing creation!)

"Draw Me Nearer"

2011-08-23T10:08:00.002-04:00

My prayer!

I didn't want to be right . . .

2011-08-18T20:13:00.004-04:00

BUT I WAS! Just found out what I had suspected concerning my neighbors. Another family has lost a beloved husband and father to a heart attack. Yes, all the signs were there and I knew them. :( I am so very sad for this family, so much grief to deal with.

I am a bit shaken right now as memories flood my mind of the night George died. I am nauseated and feel as if I've been transported back in time. The memories may fade somewhat over time but can instantly be brought back in full force. I remember just about every detail of our fateful night and I know everything that this family is dealing with right now and it is not pretty!

Please pray for this family and please pray for me.

Thank you!

Titles, Transcripts, and Resumes

2011-08-18T13:04:00.002-04:00

Today, my youngest started her 11th year of school. I can't believe my baby is in 11th grade! Yikes, time flies (whether it is fun or not)! Tuesday we went to the open house to meet her teachers (she knows most of them), to pick up syllabi with the school supply lists ($$$), and to just get into the "mood" (not there yet). My daughter is a great student (not bragging), she just is. Last year she was asked to be in the National Honor Society. She turned it down for reasons of her own. As we were talking with one of her teachers, the teacher strongly urged "C" to join NHS. "It will look good on your transcript!"

I have thought of those words and how we have become a people of titles, transcripts and resumes. Our whole lives are based on what people can see on paper and how many items are listed on them. Now I am not saying that these things aren't important, but not ALL people can attain what society believes is needed to get into college, get a job, keep a job, etc. In my family, there may be some who have many titles added to their names and it will "look" impressive and there will be some who will not but are equally as impressive.

I thought of some friends of mine, a wonderful couple my husband and I met when we lived in Connecticut. "J's" husband "B" lost his job several months ago, a casualty of the economic plunge here in the US. He spends everyday sending out resumes, an impressive one at that I am sure, networking, etc.; unfortunately, so far, with no results.

He recently was given a part-time position to teach a marketing class at a university close by to him, but will not consider him for full-time because he lacks one "title". Now this man has 30 years experience in the field, he has great credentials, communicates fantastically, has a passion for what he does, loves people, extremely knowledgeable and has a great sense of humor. If I had him as my professor when I took marketing, I might have liked it! But because of this one thing he lacks, something I believe is not necessary to be able to teach, he is not considered. They probably have professors that have "the title" but have no experience to back it up, no passion to drive a student to love what they do, it is just a job to them.

So although, this wonderful, talented man, does not have THE TITLE, I will tell you the titles he does have that are much more important and make him the incredible man he is. "B" - Follower of Jesus Christ, Son of the Most High, Loving Husband, Loving Father, Honest, Loyal, Trustworthy, Passionate, Compassionate, Caring, Humorous, Dedicated, Great Communicator, Hard worker, and Dear Friend. If these businesses would put aside the paper and look at the person and the heart of this person, they would be blessed beyond measure by this man and his skill!

"for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." ~ 1 Samuel 16:7

The Signs

2011-08-17T20:50:00.001-04:00

Early this morning, across the street, firetrucks, police cars, an ambulance. Today, cars parked in the driveway, others coming and going. Signs I remember all too well. Oh, I hope it is not what I think it might be. I hope what happened to my family has not happened to this family. I do not know. I am only speculating, but the signs sure seem to point to what I suspect.

Please let me be wrong!!!!!

Is He Aware?

2011-08-16T22:11:00.000-04:00

Today, while my daughter and I were giving an order for lunch, the young woman behind the counter looked at "C" and said, "You are so pretty! How old are you? You should model. You've got the look!" My daughter blushed, but I know it made her feel good. I agreed wholeheartedly about her beauty, but said NO WAY to a modeling career, then thanked the woman for her kind words as we went on our way to wait for our order to be called.

As I stood there, my thoughts turned to George and I wondered what he would think of his beautiful daughter right now. She was only a little girl when he left us and has now grown to this lovely young lady.

Is he aware of what goes on here?
. . .of his children and me?
. . .of how much he is missed?

I was sad as I yearned for him to just be able to take a glance at not only "C", but all our children. They are so beautiful inside and out. He would be proud!!!

I know George is in Heaven, a glorious, incredible place, and he is whole and complete and at peace with his Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that for sure! But I can only see things through the lens of my humanness here on earth and that is that he should be here with us, being our children's father and my husband, experiencing our life together on this earth.

So while I am still here and he is there,

I WILL continue to wonder . . .

Is He Aware?

"A Mother's Love"

2011-08-13T18:14:00.000-04:00

I happened upon this song/video.

I dedicate it to my precious mother.

A Mother's Love (featuring Mark Masri) by Jim Brickman

"Thank you for watching over me

All of the sleepless nights you lay awake

Thank you for knowing when to hold me close

when to let me go



Thank you for every stepping stone

And for the path that always leads me home

I thank you for the time you took

to see the heart inside of me



You gave me the roots to start this life

and then you gave me wings to fly

and I learned to dream 

because you believed in me



There's no power like it on this earth

No treasure equal to its worth

The gift of a mother's love



thank you for every sunlit day

that fill the corners of my memory

thank you for every selfless unsung deed

I know you did for me



thank you for giving me the choice

to search my soul til i could find my voice

and I thank you for teaching me

to be strong enough to bend



You gave me the roots to start this life

and then you gave me wings to fly

and I learned to dream 

because you believed in me



There's no power like it on this earth

No treasure equal to its worth

The gift of a mother's love



I thank God for a mother's love"

I love you, Mom!

History - kinda, sorta - Repeating Itself!

2011-08-10T22:17:00.000-04:00

This week marks 16 years ago that George was diagnosed with cancer. This week is still etched in my mind and heart as we were hit with the "C" word -- the word we never expected. We were ignorant to the fact that it could possibly happen to us -- other people, older people, but not us -- we, who had children ages 8, 4, 3, and 6 mos. old. No, it couldn't happen to us -- BUT IT DID!

After weeks of pain in his abdomen and treatments, the doctors did an ultrasound and found a grapefruit-sized tumor. A CT Scan and biopsy was done, but before the pathology report was fully completed, we were told two scenarios: "you will be sent home, nothing more could be done, OR you will be staying in the hospital for chemo treatments". We would have to wait to find out. Two days later, the oncologist came into the hospital room and told us George would be staying. Never did such words ring so sweet to our ears (ironic, huh?) We were still not out of the woods. The tests revealed he had a rare, very aggressive testicular cancer that had spread not only to his abdomen but to his lungs. Fortunately though, it did not enter his brain where it would have eventually gone had it not been caught.

I think about that week, especially the night that I had to leave my husband at the hospital alone (with no answers yet), coming home to the chaos of letting others know, to children who missed their mommy and daddy and did not and could not understand what was going on except their daddy was sick, and trying to process everything while still maintaining a bit of normalcy. I remember when all the children were settled and I was by myself, finally free to think and absorb, an ominous darkness surrounded me. I had never experienced it before (but would again face it eight years later). I felt alone and as far apart from God as I could possibly be. My thoughts were about what George would have to go through, how my children could possibly live without a father and how I would make it on my own without my husband. (more irony) It was a bad place -- a very bad place -- and fear and tears ran rampant.

But through the ups and downs AND ups and downs of treatments, the anemia, infections, shots to build up his immune system, the four hour surgery that took 7 hours, and eight years of constant check ups, he was finally clear of his cancer. Cured! YAY!!!! Right?! That was May of 2003. In November of 2003, five months later, my husband, the father of a 16, 13, 11 and 8 year, died of a heart attack -- VERY UNEXPECTED -- and the darkness began again!

"The Eyes"

2011-08-06T11:52:00.001-04:00

I recognized "the eyes"; the ones I saw every day in the mirror for a very, very long time; the eyes of deep loss, pain, sorrow, weariness. "The eyes" cannot be hidden no matter what you are doing. They reveal it all even if you are trying your best to hide it! I saw her eyes -- "the eyes" -- last night at work.

I walked in and there she was -- a fellow widow, only this was her second time. Yes, she has lost two beloved husbands, one when she was very young with a child of only three years of age and now, years later but not much older than me, her second husband. I went to her and we hugged tight, extraordinarily tight, and I felt as if we did not want to let go, neither one of us. Not much was said. What can be said? There. Are. No. Words! She has walked through it before and must walk through it again and my heart breaks for her to have to travel this wretched journey once more.

But one thing we both know, although we grieve, AND WE DO GRIEVE, we have the HOPE and ASSURANCE that we will see our beloveds again and we hang on to that and to HIM, Jesus, to walk with us through it all.

Psalm 23

The LORD, the Psalmist’s Shepherd.

A Psalm of David.

¹ The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
⁶ Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

"You know, . . .

2011-07-27T16:47:00.003-04:00

there is no pain in Heaven," my mother said as I helped her from her bed to a chair, her face grimaced with pain, moans of agony with each step. "Don't feel bad for me when I go." "We will be rejoicing for you, mom, but we will miss you SOOOO much," I replied.

I then helped her into the chair, left the room for a moment so she could not see the tears that I shed as I struggled with those words. YES, she will be without pain, the pain she has lived with for over seven years; the pain that keeps her in bed most of the time; the pain that makes her want to sleep as much as possible; the pain that has caused her to be on STRONG medications; the pain that has made her unable to do the things she loves or even the things she doesn't; the pain that has affected her mind and causes confusion; the pain that is slowly and agonizingly taking my mother away.

This is not what we wanted for this precious woman, my mom -- one who has been so courageous through it all. But it is what she is to bear and we bear it with her, although we can't completely understand.

I look forward for her to be without pain, completely, but I don't look forward to being without her!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"He (God) will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or PAIN, for the old order of things has passed away." ~ Revelation 21:4

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Random Thoughts

2011-07-23T17:38:00.000-04:00

I don't know what has been wrong with me lately (well, maybe I do), but I have been sluggish, irritable, anxious, ornery, etc. Usually I can snap out of this mood in time, but I seem to only be snapping at those I love.

Summer is my least "favorite" season, so I know the heat has much to do with my mood. Then comes fall, once my favorite time of the year, now tainted with a memory I HATE.

I have this urge to move from this place -- not just this house, but this area, city, state that I have lived for almost 31 years. I want to move away, be rid of some of the memories, start fresh, not worry about who or what I will run into -- the questions, the reminders. Where would I go? I do not know.

But I must wait . . .wait until something that I don't want to happen, happens. So in order for me to move from here, I must lose something, and to stay here I must be reminded of something I have lost.

SIGH!

Merge Up Ahead

2011-07-19T17:00:00.000-04:00

The plan: two households, my parents' and mine, will merge into one. The reason: my mother's declining health, our houses getting too much to handle for each of us, financial. Theirs is the larger of the two houses, paid off and will accommodate all of us even if it may be a bit snug.

This is a huge step and I am overwhelmed -- many obstacles to overcome -- another part of the journey to which I have no idea how it will all come together, leaving a great big "Question Mark"!

Stay tuned.

A Small Dose of Compassion

2011-07-13T18:22:00.002-04:00

I went to this store for the very last time. Entering the parking lot, the sign hung boldly on the outside of the building, "STORE CLOSING." I had heard that it was closing several weeks before -- a casualty of the economy, e-books, box stores, and internet shopping. This small, family-owned and run business, a Christian bookstore, just could not keep up and, sadly, after 28 years, had to close its doors. My heart ached for this family. This was not just a business, it was a ministry and I experienced the receiving end of it.

Although, my son and I work for another Christian bookstore, and love it, this store always held a special place in my heart. It was a place George and I and our children frequented regularly. It was the place I went to right after George died, searching desperately for books to help me understand this terrible grief "MONSTER" I was dealing with -- wanting to know that what I was feeling and experiencing was "normal" for my situation.

I remember the day I walked in looking for a book or two or five. An older gentleman (the owner) came up to me and asked if he could help me. I did not readily share my story with people I did not know well, but I told him. I explained that George had recently died, about my children, and my grief. He listened attentively, with great compassion in his eyes and speech. I felt safe with him. He expressed his condolences and with that, I picked out my books, paid and left, thinking nothing of it afterward.

A few days later, I received this card in the mail.

It was from this gentleman on behalf of the store. He wrote to me using my first name, with each of my children's names in it. I was shocked. He had hundreds of customers but he took the time to find my name, which was in the system, but more importantly, to find out the names of each of my children, probably through the obituaries, to make it personal for all of us. At that moment, receiving that card, he ministered to me and my children and showed us God's presence in our darkness. Afterward, each time I went in, we would talk and share. He retired about a year or so later, handing the business over to his children. But in that time, this man showed me the love of Christ by a simple gesture -- listening and showing that he listened. I am forever grateful to him and his family and am certain that they ministered to many others in similar ways.

When I walked in the doors on this very last day, I scanned the room looking for him. The walls, bookshelves, and displays were mostly bare with just a spattering of books, cards and small trinkets. There he stood with a smile on his face (pain in his eyes) as he was checking out their very last customers. I went up to him, put my arms around him and told him how sorry I was for his and his family's loss and how thankful I was for him and his love and compassion for me and my children. He thanked me, chuckled, and said, "Now don't get me tearing up!" I let him go (tears in my eyes) to continue with his customers. I picked up a few of the last items, checked out and grabbed his arm and told him I loved him.

With that, I left; but this time, instead of thinking nothing afterward, I will always remember the kindness and care he showed me and hold onto the card that he so lovingly sent.

Thank you "D" and N.C Christian Bookstore for showing me that a small dose of compassion DOES go a long way!

"Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world."

James 1:27

Your Great Name!

2011-07-13T12:44:00.000-04:00

"Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders.

In a loud voice they sang:

“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,

to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength

and honor and glory and praise!”

Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing:

“To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb

be praise and honor and glory and power,

for ever and ever!”

~~~~~~

Revelation 5:11-13

AMEN!

Small Talk?

2011-06-27T22:33:00.009-04:00

While at a surprise birthday party Friday night for my wonderful, much-deserving friend and fellow widow, I was greeted by a woman and her son that I did not know, but they knew George from scouts because he had been a leader (a great one at that!).

This was the gist of our "small talk".

Mom/Son: Hi, we are _________. We knew George at scouts and recognized you.
Me: Hi.
Mom/Son: How has it been going?
Me: OK (one of two responses I give), but it's been hard. (Over their heads.)
Mom/Son: Did your boys ever finish scouts?
Me: No, it was too difficult for us physically AND EMOTIONALLY.
Mom/Son: Yeah, it would be hard -- a lot of work. Your boys have grown-up so much. They were just little guys when they were there.
Me: Yeah (Yep, they were young when their dad died.)
Pause
Couple: Are you remarried?
(The screeching sound of a needle scraping over a record album and coming to a halt - for those who are old enough to remember that sound.)

Me: Noooo.
Me: Well, nice to meet you. Take care. (next conversation)

I was not offended by this, just a "dear in headlights" stunned. No one has E.V.E.R. asked me if I was remarried, especially because I do not wear a ring on my left hand finger (I do still where my wedding band and engagement ring on my right hand.) Some have asked if I would ever remarry, but these are usually people I know well and a discussion has developed where it would be appropriate to ask.

Though others may think differently or not understand, I feel this is a very personal question and unless I bring it up or I am hanging tightly onto a man (don't hold your breath) other than my father or sons, I really don't want to be asked, especially by people I do not know or have little contact with. Frankly, I wish I did not have to be asked these kind of questions at all!!!!

I know these two had no idea that asking this question would bring the kind of reaction I had. They were just curious, but questions like these are more than just "small talk". So because this question has been asked, I will address questions that may get asked, again.

Am I remarried? Same answer as above . . . NO.

Do I want to get remarried? NO, NADA, NIL.

Would I ever think about getting remarried? IT IS NOT ON A BUCKET LIST, A THINGS TO DO LIST OR A THINGS TO THINK ABOUT DOING LIST.

Do I miss companionship and do I get lonely? ABSOLUTELY, but I miss George's companionship and his presence and always will. So although the future looks a bit frightening being alone, how will I care for myself, etc., etc., there is no desire in me to have another relationship. George was my guy and always will be!

So, as my son always says, there you go!

Abba Father

2011-06-20T09:19:00.001-04:00

[This post was intended for yesterday, but because my day was spent taking care of my mother while my dad was away for a much needed respite and my computer would not cooperate when I got home ( too tired to "wrestle" with it), I posted today, but this message is for any day!]

Today is Father's Day here in the U.S. It is a day to celebrate fathers and their roles in our lives. All the television commercials and ads present touching relationships between fathers and children. For some, maybe many, this day can bring much pain. There are those who have lost a dad (like my children); some that never knew their fathers, and some that have only bad memories of their fathers.

I am grateful for the father that my husband was to his children. He loved his children so very much! I am grateful for my dad, who is still with us, and who I appreciate more and more each day.

But there is one FATHER who knows my name better than anyone. He knows my children's name. He knows your name. No matter what kind of father-child relationship you have or have had, HE IS the greatest, most loving of all Fathers.

On this Father's Day, I celebrate HIM:

"Lord, you have searched me

and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in—behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths,^a you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you." ~ Psalm 139:1-18

"You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book. " ~ Psalm 56:8

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears." ~ Psalm 34:4

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you;
    he will never leave you nor forsake you.
    Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:8

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
    is God in his holy dwelling." ~ Psalm 68:5

"For God so loved the world (me and you) that he gave
    his one and only Son (Jesus Christ),
    that whoever believes in him (Jesus) shall not perish
    but have eternal life (and a relationship with Abba Father)."
                                                                                     ~ John 3:16

God, Abba Father, wants you to have a relationship with Him. If you do not know Him, call to Him, He loves you!

Good-Byes

2011-06-02T10:19:00.003-04:00

Right now, as I write this post, my son, D, is spending time with the children in Kenya and preparing to say their good-byes. I spoke with him yesterday. He was tired, but a good tired -- the kind that says we worked hard, we worked well, we worked for the Lord, we made a difference, even if it may seem minor, and a difference was made within us.

He is looking forward to getting home, but he dreads saying good-bye to these beautiful children, children that he loves and may or may not see again (it all depends on God's Will). It will be a tearful time for all of them. I cried as I thought of how he must feel right now, how these children must feel as they have bonded in the last week and a half. These children LOVE to be loved and love to love. I have fallen for these children because I have experienced these children through my son's heart. Our family is forever connected.

I ask for prayer for the team as they depart in a few hours. Pray for these last precious moments with the children. Pray for continued safety and health for these children. Pray for the financial support of this wonderful ministry. Pray for safety for the team as they travel home. Pray for me as I travel to pick up D.

It will be a sweet reunion for D and I, but there is a cost -- the good-byes!

Hearing a Smile

2011-05-24T20:20:00.003-04:00

Have you ever heard a smile? -- yes, I said heard! We see smiles all the time, but "hearing" one, WOW, precious! Today my son, D, called from Kenya -- very unexpected!!! I almost didn't pick up because the number that was showing up on my phone was so odd, but someONE prompted me to pick up.

In a guarded tone I answered, not knowing what would be coming from the other end. In a "smiling" voice, I heard, "Hi mom, it's D"! He explained that all team members contributed to buy a cell phone that could be used to call loved ones over here. Last year there was little or no contact -- internet connections are VERY tedious and slow in Kenya.

His voice lit up my face, my heart, my soul! I could hear the smile that was radiating from his heart. I bet he has not stopped smiling since he's been there. He shared about what he has been doing and how wonderful it was to be back with the children. His two buddies from last year, a girl and boy, have been following him around. We sent pictures of our family so that they could see who was loving them from afar.

I needed this moment this morning and God knew it. The smile I "heard" brought sweet joy and I am grateful to my dear son for it!

He Arrived!

2011-05-21T18:20:00.004-04:00

Received an e-mail that D and the Missions Team arrived safely last night in Kenya. Praise God!!! After some rest today, they headed to Gethsemane’s home to spend time with the children. I am sure they were greeted with a sign like this:

and beautiful faces like these:

These children, orphaned, coming from a place like this:

Now having a loving home like this:

And D having the experience of loving these children and being loved by them like this!:

May 19 - Part II

2011-05-20T01:06:00.000-04:00

Today I celebrate Son#2. Nineteen years ago on May 19, A came into our world. As with all our children, he was a true miracle, as I have shared that doctors gave us less than a 1% chance of having any children. He was our third gift from God!

Like all my children, he came early. Unlike the rest of my children, my labor was much different. I had been feeling some slight pressure but not the usual kind of contractions. George and I decided to call the doctor, but never expected to be told I was already 6 cm dilated. We were not prepared and had to quickly go home, get a few things and head to the hospital, while my other two children were with some friends. The nurses commented that they expected me to come in screaming in pain. Instead I was smiling and making sure that I could still have an epidural. Always my first question!

It was not long after that A was born. I was smitten, once again! Blond hair, blue eyes, and a personality set in stone. He was fine when snuggled tight in blankets, but as soon as the nurse would come to take his temperature or was disturbed in any way, he would scream. At home he liked to be held close, never far away. As he grew, he was a clinger. I called him my Velcro boy -- he held on tight, never letting go. He is my shy guy and blushes very easily. Some of his first words after mama and dadda, were Holy, Holy, Holy because I would ~~make an attempt to~~ sing hymns to him at night. He actually enjoyed it! =/ He is the one who flushed my watch down the toilet, climbed up on the washer and dryer, fell on his mouth more times than I can count, but never lost a tooth, loved baseball and would throw a tennis ball against the couch to practice throwing and catching. Yes, I allowed it (drove his older sister crazy!). He liked a schedule and still does. He likes to keep lists (much like his dad). He loves reading (like his dad) -- a history and computer guy. He is orderly and when he has something to do, he gets it done immediately (unlike his mom). When he laughs there is a twinkle in his eyes. He is my "hugger" and I am grateful for that.

Although he may appear to be hard or tough on the outside (his shyness), he is an extremely sensitive, tender guy. Three days a week, each week, I go to my parents home to sit with my mom so my dad can have a break. My mother's health continues to decline. My dear A insists on going with me. He is absolutely amazing with my mom, -- so tender, compassionate, and loving towards her. He is not uncomfortable with the condition she is in. He gives sensitivity and dignity to his Grandma and when I am unable to sit with her, he willingly takes my place. It touches my heart deeply as he cares for her.

Happy Birthday, A. I love you! You make me laugh! You make sure I am ok when I am down. You are an amazing son! You are a joy to be with! I am so thankful to God for you! Your dad would be so proud of you!!!

May 19 - Part I

2011-05-20T01:05:00.004-04:00

Right now Son#1, D, is on the next leg of his flights to Kenya for his mission trip -- I hope. I say this because Wednesday evening as the team was doing final preparations, one of the team leaders received a phone call from Delta saying that the first flight was cancelled. This was 8:00 pm. Their flight left at 7:30 am Thursday morning. If it had not been for this team member getting a phone call, no one would have known until we arrived at the airport in the morning. Gotta love the airlines! We found out that most of the team members were rerouted through Charlotte. D was rerouted by himself through Atlanta -- WHAT?!!!! -- all to meet in Detroit. There was NO WAY my son was flying by himself through Atlanta. So for more than an hour on the phone, our wonderful team leader worked diligently (and patiently) to get things rearranged. Not an easy task when you have nine people and 20 bags of luggage to get to another continent. Half the team would take a flight through Atlanta, half the team would take a flight through Charlotte. Destination...Detroit.

Although this ~~major~~ glitch occurred, Wednesday evening was truly a moving experience. We gathered at the church for Wednesday night dinner, prayer and church members, along with the missions team, took part in stuffing 500 gift bags for the Massai children they would be ministering to and sharing the gospel with and 60 gift bags for the children at the home. There was laughter and excitement in the air knowing that this team would be touching lives. I am so grateful and humbled that my son gets to experience this once again. I do not take this for granted. I believe it is God who has opened the door for D to be able to go.

After the gift bag packing party, the real work began -- getting everything into 18 bags of luggage. This included everyone's clothing for two weeks, medicines, books, tools for the building projects they will be working on, a basket ball rim, deflated basketballs, toys, etc. Since the airline only allows for 50 pounds per bag, two per person, this was quite a feat and there was much maneuvering to be done. It ended up the team had to add two more bags at a cost, but all prayed and decided nothing could be left behind. So 20 bags at 50 pounds a piece = 1000 pounds of luggage plus 9 people of various weights headed to Kenya!!

Luggage ready to be packed.

Weighing in at . . . 50 lbs!!

We met at the airport at 5:00 am (ugh!!!) to find that those on the Charlotte flight (US Air) were allowed only one free bag and the other one would be charged a fee; whereas, Delta (the one that cancelled the flight) allowed two free bags. So more stress for our wonderful team leader; but with determination, much walking back and forth from one airline kiosk to the other and much ~~demanding~~ talking, it got straightened out. Whew!!!! All were on the flight to Atlanta. I wonder what the TSA employees thought when they saw the basketball hoop rim and the hundreds of goody-filled zip lock bags scattered throughout the luggage as they rummaged through each bag. Side note: TSA employees look as "happy" as DMV employees!

D is off on another wonderful, blessed adventure and I cannot wait to hear what God does through him and with him as he is ministers to these precious children and others he meets. He never stopped smiling! As I was heading home, I believe I got to see his plane waiting to take off and then make its departure. It was a moment of great joy sprinkled with a touch of melancholy.

And as D always says, "There you go!"

A Stranger ~~ "THE BOND"

2011-05-11T15:34:00.002-04:00

I work a couple of hours a week in a Christian bookstore, restocking, ordering and tidying up the card section. While at work on Monday, an elderly woman along with a younger woman stood in wedding/bridal/anniversary section looking for a card. I sensed they were flustered, in a hurry and wanted to find just the right card. I asked if there was a particular type card they were looking for. At that the younger woman spoke, "My father-in-law just passed away and my mother-in-law wanted a card to put with her husband to express her love for him."

As I expressed my sympathies to the elderly woman, I shared with her that I had also lost my husband and said, "It hurts, doesn't it." She placed her fist to her chest near her heart and said, "It hurts here, right here!" Yes, I knew that pain. The literal, physical pain of loss and grief. As she stood there with THAT look: confusion, disbelief, fogginess, I went to her and gave her a hug...one widow to another...tears streaming down my face. My heart ached for her and in an instant I flashed back to that time when I lost George and the physical pain so prominent after loss. I knew what she was in for. I knew the journey she had to take. It didn't matter our ages or that she was a stranger or that I would most likely never see her again. In that moment we shared "THE BOND", that terrible, awful bond.

A Bird's Eye View

2011-05-01T00:15:00.002-04:00

Over the last several weeks I have been following a pair of bald eagles via a web cam from the Virginia Botanical Gardens. I started just after the three eggs that they had cared for hatched. Eagles are such majestic birds and being able to watch them live in their own environment was both fascinating and informative (they had moderators that answered questions). I was hooked and followed them periodically through the weeks. I learned that eagles mate for life. Both the mother AND father are instrumental in the care of the eaglets. I watched as the two mates worked in-sync in the feedings and care of their little ones. One couldn't help but be touched when both were in the nest feeding one another, as well as, their young ones.

Earlier this week I checked in to see how big the eaglets had gotten and learned that tragically the female/mother had been hit by an airplane and killed. The experts knowing the importance of keeping up with feeding the eaglets at a very crucial time in their growth, a few weeks before they were ready to fledge, made the decision to remove the eaglets and take them to a location where they could be monitored, fed and "trained" to ultimately be released in the wild.

I watched as they removed each eaglet -- the nest eventually empty. I and others observing wondered whether the male/father would come back as he had earlier that morning to feed the eaglets. Sure enough, later in the day he flew into the nest with a fish in one set of talons. Looking at this through the eyes of my own emotions, I saw this magnificent bird stand there in utter confusion. He clasped onto that fish as he tried to decipher what was going on. Just earlier the nest was full and now it was bare -- not a sign of what once was. He looked disorientated, perplexed, lost. It seemed to go on forever, but I know it was only several minutes. In time he ate some of the fish, a "normal" response. Then leaving the rest of the food there, he flew away.

Tears filled my eyes as I watched. It reminded me of what I felt after the sudden death of George. Coming back to my home, I felt disoriented and confused. I wanted things to be back to "normal", him here, life goes on, etc., etc. Instead it was different and I could make neither head nor tale of how to process it. I was lost. The reaction of that bird at that moment was the epitome of what I experienced inside of me after my loss and still does at times because nothing has been the same since.

But in following this story, I was also reminded of a beautiful passage in the Bible found in the book of Isaiah. How appropriately God uses the eagle as a picture of the Hope and Strength that only He can give when loss enters our lives, when we feel lost, tired and weary, when our surroundings are unrecognizable and we want to give up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

"He is Risen"!

2011-04-24T12:20:00.008-04:00

The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay." Matthew 28:5,6

HE IS RISEN!

HE IS RISEN INDEED!!!

FATHER'S Love Letter

2011-04-23T11:12:00.000-04:00

My Child,

You may not know me,

but I know everything about you.

Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.

Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.

Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.

Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.

Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.

Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.

Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.

Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.

Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,

for all your days are written in my book.

Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth

and where you would live.

Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.

Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.

Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented

by those who don't know me.

John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,

but am the complete expression of love.

1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.

1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child

and I am your Father.

1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.

Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.

Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.

James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.

Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.

Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless

as the sand on the seashore.

Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.

Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.

Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you

with all my heart and all my soul.

Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.

Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,

you will find me.

Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you

the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.

Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you

than you could possibly imagine.

Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you

in all your troubles.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,

I am close to you.

Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,

I have carried you close to my heart.

Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away

every tear from your eyes.

Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain

you have suffered on this earth.

Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you

even as I love my son, Jesus.

John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.

John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.

Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,

not against you.

Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression

of my love for you.

1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved

that I might gain your love.

Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,

you receive me.

1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you

from my love again.

Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party

heaven has ever seen.

Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,

and will always be Father.

Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…

Will you be my child?

John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.

Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad

Almighty God

"It is Finished!"

2011-04-22T09:21:00.003-04:00

OUR ANNIVERSARY!

2011-04-17T18:29:00.003-04:00

Today would have been OUR 29th anniversary. Sometimes I will say it is my anniversary, but it is not. We made this day, April 17, 1982, together and although George is not here, it still continues to be OURS.

Today I:

Went to the cemetery and placed white tulips by his name,
Cried,
Remembered,
Smiled,
Wished we had more than the 21 1/2 years together,
Praised God for the 21 1/2 years we had together,
Got take out from Olive Garden, our last date night dinner together.
Enjoyed,

And

gave gifts. :)

Bible from our wedding.

Today I gave each one of my children a cross charm. All were made from a broken gold chain of a necklace and a damaged tennis bracelet that were gifts to me from my beloved. I had them melted down and made into crosses to remind my children that on April 17, 1982 a man and a woman, their dad and mom, became husband and wife and loved each other and from that love, we were blessed with four children. The crosses are a part of the two of us, given to me in love, worn by me because of love, and now shared as a symbol of our love for all four of our children.

Flowers given to me by my oldest.

So today I celebrate LOVE and say Happy Anniversary to (all of ) US!

"You're Having Way Too Much Fun!"

2011-04-16T23:49:00.002-04:00

This comment was made by a waitress as my dear friend, and fellow widow, and I were sitting having breakfast with each other Friday morning. We are about one year apart in our journeys. I knew of her through homeschooling and scouts but had never met her prior to our losses. This terrible, awful event that took our precious loved ones away from us, brought the two of us together. It was slow going at first, occasionally talking and checking up on each other. Then we advanced to having breakfast once or so a month, when convenient. Then it was once a week. Now we meet two times a week. We go to our favorite place, Showmars. We order the same food every time. :)

When we get together we cry, we laugh, and we talk about everything -- the difficult, the silly, the sad and the happy situations going on in our lives. We never get bored or at a loss of what to share. She loves me for who I am, even when sometimes it's not so pretty. I am eternally grateful for her friendship.

After the waitress made her statement, she asked how we knew each other. With a pause and then a DEEP breath, we shared that our husbands had died and that's how we became friends. As I thought about this encounter, I was pleased to know that even through our pain and loss that is still very much a part of us, our friendship emulates something good -- that the love and compassion of a cherished friend can bring beauty from ashes.

And yes, sometimes we ARE having way too much fun!!!

Thank you my dear TA!!!

A Bit of Bragging

2011-04-14T23:05:00.004-04:00

Just wanted to show off some art work that my youngest has done. For the following picture she received an "Honorable Mention" out of 150 entries in our town's Art show. I am so proud and AMAZED at her gift. This was done with a mechanical pencil.

"Traverse"

Framed, but unfortunately a glare.

Some of her other pieces, not yet framed.

"Sovereignty"

Drawn for her Grandpa.

"Panoptic"

I love this, so real looking!

Obviously not done with pencil.

My Artist!

Beautiful!

"Mama Grizzly"

2011-04-12T23:25:00.019-04:00

I find at times I feel very protective of my dear friends who are fellow widows. Today one of these friends called me. She is not very far out on her journey, but to others who have not walked this path, she should be "back to normal" (whatever that means) as they treat her as if the great loss in her life does not exist anymore. They put pressures on her that she does not need at this time. They DON'T listen to her and push and push without any regard that she is still in deep grief and she is doing the best that she can under the circumstances, which I think is amazing.

As I listened to her story, a story that is told many, many times, by many, many widows, my first instinct is like that of a mama grizzly who's cubs are being threatened. GRRRRRR!!! I want to run to these people, shake them and shout, "BACK OFF, SHE'S STILL HURTING AND IN DEEP PAIN, SHE IS NOT OVER THIS and never will be -- completely, SHE NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT, YOUR COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING, even if you don't get it. SHE DOES NOT NEED TO BE PUSHED, OR PRODDED OR EXPECTED TO BE LIKE SHE WAS BEFORE THIS TERRIBLE TRAGEDY HAPPENED. STOP TALKING AND JUST LISTEN TO HER. REALLY, REALLY LISTEN. LOVE HER AND LOVE ON HER!!!!"

Then maybe "mama grizzly" will calm down -- at least for now!

Can't Get Away From Them.

2011-04-09T22:28:00.006-04:00

Those reminders that he is not here. They come all the time and no matter how much I want them not to bother me, they do.

Today I, along with my WONDERFUL sons, helped my oldest move (to a third floor apartment). She had purchased a bedroom set from someone and he offered to bring it to her apartment, since he lived close by to where she was moving, he was moving out himself and had a truck. My daughter and I had to meet him at his place and as we watched the heavy items being loaded on the truck, the guy said, "Is your dad here to help you (get it into your apartment)?"

A quick pause and then "No" came out of my daughter's mouth. We both simultaneously said, "My brothers/my sons are going to help." During this brief conversation, as we smiled graciously, thoughts rushed into my mind: "No, he is not here, because he is dead. He should be here. He should be helping move his daughter. He would love to do this, but he cannot."

The reminder,

the sadness,

the reality.

Can't get away from them!

A Solitary Place

2011-04-03T14:18:00.003-04:00

I have a solitary place. It is a place where I go to think, to remember, to cry, to pray, to read my Bible, to sing or to just be -- Q.U.I.E.T. It may surprise some as to where this place is because they may feel that it would bring me pain or prolong my grief, but it does not. It is a quiet place where I can be alone, shut out the world, and THAT brings peace to my soul.

I once went here to be alone to mourn. It is one place where his name is not deleted. It is a place that shows he did exist and that does help me, especially as each year passes. It also reminds me that he is not here, he is with Jesus and that gives me wondrous HOPE. This place - my solitary, quiet place - is at the cemetery.

My solitary place is nestled within a row of bushes. During spring, Wisteria plants drape the bushes with their purple color. It is also covered by a huge, towering tree, giving shade during the summer and when the sun shines bright, just enough of its radiant light seeps through the branches of the tree to bring a warm glow to this place. It is full of life -- birds rustling through the bushes, squirrels scampering up and down the trees, and geese noisily flocking together to pick at the grass surrounding the area. Bees buzz, insects crawl and life moves forward with each season, even in this place.

I am able to pull my car next to where his marker is located. Most times I sit in my car, but there are times I get out and sit on the bench situated just under the tree. I call it my "Garden of Gethsemane" where I can let loose with God or just be still.

This place is necessary to remove myself from life's whirlwind. When I am able to slip away, whether I go here to cry or rejoice, I come away calm, refreshed, and look forward to the next time I can be at MY solitary place.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"At daybreak Jesus went out to a solitary place." Luke 4:42

Clenching, Biting, Rocking, Dreaming

2011-04-01T21:06:00.002-04:00

These are things I do when I get anxious. I clench my teeth, barely noticing until my jaw begins to hurt; OR I bite my nails until someone reminds me I am doing it; OR I rock on a rocker until my legs begin to tire from the constant pushing; OR I dream stress dreams, you know the ones that always have the same theme but different surroundings and you wake up more exhausted than when you went to bed. Lately, it seems they are all overlapping one another, which can only mean one thing -- my anxiety level is at an extreme high!

Many things on my mind -- many changes and decisions (I don't do well with change or decisions) ahead and my mind (and body) can't grasp it all. I feel as if any moment I could burst!!!!

I know many others are going through difficult things in their lives and my heart aches for them so very much. Right now, for me, I wish I could say to someone (George), here, you take over for now -- I need a break! Oh well, it isn't going to happen, so I must forge on.

Sigh........

It Took My Breath Away...

2011-03-30T20:48:00.006-04:00

when I saw this picture of you, the picture I have looked at so many times. For an instant, as I stared at your face, these thoughts entered my mind: "How can it be true? Seven years, really? How could it be that long already?" Then the memories that went along with this picture flooded my head, my heart.

It was our last vacation together as a family of six. You had planned on taking the three oldest for a long weekend to New York City to see a baseball game. It became a week long trip with all of us. Our vacations were always on tight budgets, but that was o.k. because we made memories. Four children, you and me. We were prepared -- books, crayons, paper, pencils, music, books on tape, and snacks, PLENTY OF SNACKS. Our kids always did well in the car -- really well! You were the driver/navigator, I was in charge of keeping the kids content. Lots of quiet times. Lots of stops. Memories. :D

NYC. Heat wave. Sweating. Lines. Ferry. Statue of Liberty. Memories.

Twin Towers. "We are paying how much to go up those towers?" You were right! Me scared of heights. Awesome view of NYC. One month later our country would never be the same. Memories.

Trains. You and the children getting through the turn-style and me getting stuck behind, unable to get through. Panic. Resolved. Laughter. Memories.

Grand Central Station. Friendly, helpful people. Clutching our children's hands so tightly so we would not lose them in the sea of people pressing toward the trains they were to catch. Scary. Exciting. Memories.

You having to drive to the baseball game. Crazy drivers. Crazy baseball fans. Fun with daddy. Memories.

"C" and I staying back at the hotel. Swimming. Cracker Barrel. Relaxing. Memories.

Heading to western NY. Visiting a college. Meeting the family of "E's" friend. Sweet fellowship. Lots of talking and laughter. Memories.

Niagara Falls. Stopped at the Canadian border because of no birth-certificates for the children. Uh-oh. Let through with a good talking to. Phew. Breath-taking view. Rainbow. Awe-struck. Black squirrels. Too touristy. Memories.

The picture taken while seated by the falls. So content. So alive. Memories.

Heading home. 18 hour drive. "Where the Red Fern Grows" on tape. Patient children. Great husband. Jam-packed week. Exhausted. Memories.

You with us. Us with you.

Memories...they take my breath away!

Think. . .

2011-03-19T20:17:00.008-04:00

about all the things going on in your life right this minute -- the good, the bad; the easy, the difficult; the happy, the sad.

NOW, T.R.Y. to imagine going through it without your spouse!

Not easy, huh.

*
*
*

SIGH...

Does it really matter?

2011-03-11T21:10:00.000-05:00

The other evening I had the opportunity to talk with a cousin I haven't been in touch with for a long while. We were best buddies when we were very young, a year apart in age. Our bond then, little girls having innocent fun together. Our bond now, both widows. Her husband died after George. Her story much like mine, sudden and unexpected. I couldn't remember exactly how many years it had been for her, so when I asked, her answer -- "Does it really matter?" I knew immediately what she meant.

Whether it is one day, one year, six years, seven years, 23 years (as with some widows I know), the result is the same -- time does not take away missing your loved one, N.E.V.E.R!!!!! The grief you bear does not go away. It is always there, quiet most times, but at any moment ready to show it's ugly self. There is no complete closure - there is always a hole.

So does it (the time that has passed) really matter? NO - I think about my George every single day, I miss him more and more, and there will always be a hole in my heart - A.L.W.A.Y.S.

Draw Me, Lord

2011-02-24T13:13:00.004-05:00

I often listen to (sometimes sing with) certain songs before or after I have quiet time with God. It brings me to a place where my focus is on fellowship with Him. The following is one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd17WnbuxJk

Draw me Lord...when I am in sin, so that I may run to Your forgiveness.

Draw me Lord...when I feel sadness or sorrow, so that I may run to Your comfort.

Draw me Lord...when I am anxious or afraid, so that I may run to Your perfect peace.

Draw me Lord...when I feel hopeless, so that I may run to Your living hope.

Draw me Lord...when I feel unloved, so that I may run to Your everlasting love.

Draw me Lord...when I am lonely, so that I may run to Your promise of never leaving me.

Draw me Lord...when I am ungrateful, so that I may run to Your gates with thanksgiving.

Draw me Lord...when I am weak, so that I may run to Your strength.

Draw me Lord...when I wander, so that I may run to the One who is always watching over me.

Draw me Lord...when I am "hungry", so that I may run to Your "Bread of Life".

Draw me Lord...when I am in darkness, so that I may run to the Light of the world.

Draw me Lord...everyday, so I will run after You!

The "Love" Day

2011-02-15T00:52:00.002-05:00

While Valentine's Day, the "Love" Day, should make me sad because my "Valentine" is not here with me, I am not. George showed me his love through our lifetime together and I am grateful. I DO want to thank those who shared their love with me today. To "TA", thank you for the incredible friendship we share, for our breakfast times, and the precious gift you gave me. To my son, "A", thank you for asking me, "Will you be my Valentine?" My answer, "Always!" To my sister, thank you for the candy and card for me and the kids, and your love and help over the years. The candy is almost gone. :D And a special thank you to my Dad, who brought roses for each of us "girls" with cupcakes for my children. Dad you have been taking care of ALL of us over these last seven years. It is a tremendous challenge and I know you are tired, yet, you remember the "special" days every year! What would I, we, have done without you. You have been our strength.

To all those who continually pray for my family, who encourage me with kind words, who share tears and laughter with me, THANK YOU. You are dearly loved!

To my Georgia, who always puts a smile on my face -- you are the BEST dog! You are always happy to see me, you love taking rides with me, you protect us and you put up with my silliness. You are a "blessing" from God!

To my George, I will always love you. Thank you for 21+ years of showing me love on Valentine's Day, but more importantly, every day. I MISS YOU, always!

To God, thank you for forgiving me and saving me through your Son, Jesus. Thank you for loving me with your everlasting love. Thank you for sustaining me through this journey of widowhood. Thank you for being the Father to my fatherless children. Thank you for never letting go!

"I have loved you with an everlasting love;

Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness."

Jeremiah 31:3

"Mommy, Pray"

2011-02-09T21:08:00.003-05:00

These words were spoken by my oldest when she was 2 1/2 years old. She and I were traveling to meet my parents half way between their home and ours. My grandmother, who stayed with my parents during the summers, was coming to stay at our home for a visit. The half-way point was about a 2+ hour drive.

After our brief drive on the interstate, we exited onto a two-lane highway which was a majority of the ride. With only a couple of small towns to pass through, the main bulk of the trip was open land with a spattering of houses and small businesses until you reached the foothills of the mountains. Enjoying this time with my daughter, we "chatted" and listened to music on the radio.

As we drove towards our destination, I could see in the distance dark storm clouds were developing rapidly. We were heading right towards them. They were ominous clouds, intense looking, with lightning flashes non-stop. I knew this was going to be severe. I was not too concerned, having driven through thunderstorms, this seemed no different, that is, until the shriek of the alarm on the radio burst forth: "This is NOT a test. A tornado warning has been issued. Find shelter immediately!" Knowing that the area I was in had been hit by tornadoes in the past and seeing that there was no shelter in site, my mind went into warp speed as I scanned the side of the road, trying to make a plan. "It's getting darker, the rain is increasing, must find a deep ditch if I should see something, no blankets or tarps, cover "E" with my body, eeeek bugs and snakes (yes, I did think of that!), will we be safe, I am scared!!

As my mind was racing, a small, sweet voice, with a tinge of fear, spoke out and said, "Mommy, Pray." At that moment, I realized I had not even thought to pray. My precious 2 1/2 year old sensed trouble and without hesitation, knew that it was God who we should be going to. It was then that I prayed out loud with her. We did go through the storm, safely reached our our destination and took my grandmother back home with us. Interestingly, my parents were never affected by this storm.

I was reminded of this incident, as this week some ~~storms~~/changes are developing and lie ahead to go through. I am not sure of their intensity but the alarms inside of me are starting to blare, my mind is racing as how to handle things, and I am scared. But in the turmoil that can so easily engulf me, ... I hear that small, sweet voice say:

"MOMMY, PRAY!"

And I will.

"Fear not, Beth, for I, your God, are with you,

Do not be dismayed, Beth, for I AM your God,

I, God, will help you, Beth,

I, God, will strengthen you, Beth,

I, God, will hold you in My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

The "W" Word

2011-02-06T18:28:00.004-05:00

W.I.D.O.W. -- Yes that is what I am! It is the word no one wants to be. People "squirm" when it is mentioned. It has brought me much grief and sorrow. This word defines me and I am defined by this word. I often hear widows say they don't want to be defined by this word -- meaning, I guess, that they don't want to let their widowhood hold them back or keep them from growing. I never quite understood this statement because I am a daughter, sister, mother and was a wife. When I became each of these things, it made me who I am today -- each one defining and molding me into the person I am and still becoming. I am not afraid or ashamed of being called a widow or saying so -- in fact, I "wear" it proudly, not because I want pity, but because I am GEORGE's widow; frankly, the only one he will ever have, and I don't want anyone to forget who he was and how important he was in our lives.

When I am asked about myself, in a safe environment, of course, I will not run from the "W" word. If someone is uncomfortable with it, then, sadly, that is their problem. I have had to deal with it for seven years and will continue to do so! It defines me and I am defined by it. I am learning to embrace it as I have embraced my other "titles"! It has taught me more than I ever wanted to know, but has given me an understanding that I could never have imagined and as much as I hate being a widow, it will ALWAYS be part of me!

I am George's WIDOW -- hear me roar, cry, and laugh!!!

The Diamond

2011-02-03T00:30:00.000-05:00

When one sees a diamond cut and mounted in such a way that as light passes through, it emanates its brilliant sparkle, one cannot help but be in awe. This precious gem is the hardest material on earth – extremely tough. It is simply carbon from deep within the earth that has gone through a process of intense heat and pressure and then forced upward to the surface of the earth. It is then mined, not an easy feat, and in its rough state taken to a gemcutter and polisher to be created into the diamond we find in jewelry. These gemcutters must be knowledgeable and exact in what they are doing to make this rough mineral into a beautiful gem. It is tedious work and takes much time to form the different shapes we see around us. Not all rough diamonds can be used to make these incredible gems. Only select minerals that can withstand the rigors of cutting, grinding and polishing with acid make it through.

Today my parents are celebrating their Diamond Anniversary – 60 years together!!! As I thought about this momentous occasion, I could not help but compare the process of marriage to that of the diamond. A marriage goes through intense pressure and “heat” during its development. To survive for this many years, it has to be tough. It must be carefully picked and ready for the “Master” gemcutter and polisher to do His work. It is a tedious and time consuming process and only the strong and sturdy can bear the Master’s handiwork. But as the years go by, as the work continues, the beauty and the brilliance of that marriage shine through with the light of the Master. It is always in need of polishing, refining and commitment, but with the Master Gemcutter in charge, a beautiful gem is created.

I wish my wonderfully, tough, committed, loving parents a

Happy 60th Anniversary!

Thank you for allowing God to be the “Master Gemcutter” in your lives and marriage!

I LOVE YOU!

I'm tired!

2011-01-30T21:22:00.003-05:00

No, I am weary! No, I am exhausted!! Having a father and mother to parent children is difficult enough, but being the ONLY parent can knock you to the ground, especially when your children, whom you love so much, make choices that can be disastrous. These past couple of days I have felt in defeat mode -- there is no fight in me right now. After seven years of being alone in this parenting business:

I feel unbalanced.

Having your partner's perspective brings stability to a situation.

There is no backup.

When things get tough, I can't call upon my husband to back me up or take over.

When I speak, it falls on deaf ears.

My words come out as "whaah, whaaah, whaah, whaaah".

There is no other voice that is giving advice or counsel.

I am only half of the parents.

The other half has been taken away!

Seven years does not make it easier.

As the children grow up, there are more complicated issues to deal with and . . .

I am tired!!!

A Family Portrait

2011-01-27T13:21:00.002-05:00

My eldest daughter just recently found this picture that was drawn by my youngest daughter the second Christmas without our George. I had forgotten all about it, until it was brought out. "C" drew it on our large dry-erase board hanging in our kitchen where there are usually lists of items that are needed for the home, messages, and occasionally pictures of some sort. As I remembered my thoughts back then when she drew this, of course I was delighted in her "artistic" abilities, but there was also a deep intense sadness because one member of our family was missing. Being that George died right before the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays and much drama went on at that time, our first Christmas was filled with numbness. It was the second Christmas that brought the raw reality and pain that George was REALLY gone.

The last few days I have focused on this picture, looking at every detail that was drawn. Although, there was much darkness in our lives at that time, I am now able to see through my daughter's eyes what she was seeing. I see a family, that despite the great loss we have endured, there were smiles. I see sisters holding hands, sharing love. I see a mother with her arms placed upon a child/children never giving up, although she wanted to -- many, MANY times. I see joy within the sorrow.

The one thing, though, that I had never noticed before was the sun shining above us. As I pondered on this artistic decision, my thoughts turned to God. Through this simple drawing, I caught a glimpse of His light shining down on us in the darkness of our loss and circumstances. His light, even when it appears to be ever so slight at times, has always shone above us and guided us through the darkest of dark times. This "portrait" is a reminder to me that I must cling to this simple, but powerful display of God's love for my family.

"You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light."

2 Samuel 22:29

Pray

2011-01-14T10:01:00.001-05:00

I had a blog post ready to write to give tribute to my incredible, amazing mom. Today is her 80th birthday and I am SO blessed to have her in my life. Instead of my original post, though, I am asking those who read this to pray. Pray for my mother who has endured excruciating pain for the last seven years. Just after George died, my mom suffered compound fractures in her spine. Nothing the doctors have tried have really helped. She has been so courageous throughout these seven years, but the pain is now becoming much too much. It affects her mobility, her mind and her emotions.

So today, I ask all, as a gift to her, and to my family, to pray without ceasing for this precious woman, I call Mom.

Thank You.

Happy Birthday

Mom,

I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!

Happy Birthday, Sweet Sixteen!

2011-01-12T10:07:00.001-05:00

Every year to commemorate each of my children's birthdays (up to age 18), I make them a "poster" of some kind.

Today is my SWEET, beautiful, precious, youngest child's 16th birthday.

I LOVE YOU, C.!!!!!

Do You Ever Wonder...

2011-01-11T17:13:00.001-05:00

what widows do when we get together?

WE...

laugh and cry,

act silly and get serious,

share and listen,

talk and have silence,

eat and EAT,

give a shoulder to lean on and lean on that shoulder,

comfort and are comforted,

love on and get loved on.

We are bonded by our circumstance and blessed by our friendship.

We need not pretend with each other because we "get it"!

Although, I hate the reason we were brought together, I am truly thankful for the women that I have had the privilege and honor to get to know over the years -- M, TA, Ch, G, and those who I have "met" through blogs (strong and courageous, honest and vulnerable). Without them, I could not endure the very difficult moments of my widowhood.

You Are a Success...

2011-01-06T20:37:00.001-05:00

were words spoken to George by his father when they had spent a weekend together moving my late father-in-law's boat. When George came home, he shared this with me, being quite surprised and perplexed by this statement. George's father rarely, if ever, gave compliments, especially not the personal kind.

In a world that success is measured by the premium education you receive, the job and financial wealth you achieve, the house you live in, the car you drive, how "perfect" your children are, how popular you are, etc. etc.; George would not have considered himself a "success". But I believe George's dad saw what God and I saw:

George had a strong faith in Jesus as his Savior. George never waivered on this, even when he was ridiculed by his own father for believing. George knew where he came from and knew what Jesus had done for him and no one, not even his own father, could change that.

George loved his family. He loved me and he loved his children. He was there for us, always involved. He once received a "negative" remark on a job performance review stating that he tended to look at his family as more important than his work. George worked hard, rarely missing a day for himself, even when he was going through cancer treatment; but when it came to his family, he wanted to be there for us. I believe this review was the best compliment that could have been given, because my children and I can look back and say: George/Daddy wanted to be with us; we were important to him.

George cared about others. He loved helping people. He loved working with children. He was a great "Big Brother" and a wonderful Scout leader. He helped others in whatever way he could.

George was a man who loved God, loved his family and loved others -- not always perfectly, but sincerely.

This is what his father saw and this is why he WAS a success!

So today,

January 6, 2011,

what would have been his 54th birthday,

I celebrate my husband

for who he was,

a successful man!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MY LOVE!

Little did he know, but HE did!

2010-12-11T12:26:00.007-05:00

Today after dropping off my daughter for her last class of Driver's Ed (YAY!), I headed to Walmart before it got crowded to do some shopping. Although it was early, it had already been a rough morning with a deluge of tears flowing. This happens at times without warning - WHAM! So as I drove to Walmart, tears flowed profusely down my face and I thought of George and how MUCH I want to talk with him and I thought of my mom and all she is going through and I talked to God and wished He would show me His presence, a blatant sign, that He was with me.

After sitting in the car for a few minutes to get my composure and TRY to look as if I hadn't been crying, I went to shop. There is always someone to greet you as you walk in. Today it was an elderly man and we greeted each with our "good morning's" and our "how are you today's". Then I went about my business, got what I needed and checked out.

As I walked to the exit, I had to show my receipt to this man because of some items that were not bagged. I thanked him and started on my way when he stopped me and said he had something for me. From around the corner, he came out with a beautiful bouquet of red and white flowers. I didn't know if this was something he was told to do, but I did not see anyone else walking out with flowers. Whatever the reason, HE CHOSE ME! This small gesture of kindness meant the world to me! I teared up as I left and cried all the way home.

Little did this man know what a gift he had given me today. Little did he know that God used him to show me that my Father in Heaven is with me even when I may not "feel" Him. Little did this man know that God answered my prayer through this kind, simple gesture.

Thank you to this man and thank you, Father, for my answered prayer, so tenderly given with Your love!

BLAH humbug!

2010-12-01T23:15:00.002-05:00

It is December 1, 25 days until Christmas, the most "joyous" of holidays. So why do I feel "blah". Is it the constant barrage of commercials that bombard you with things "you should have"? Is hearing about people fighting over items at stores that they won't even remember getting by next Christmas? Is it the movies that depict intact, happy families or the "they lived happily ever after" mentality? Is it that I know of people who have lost loved ones and they are hurting? Is it that there are difficulties in my family that make it hard to celebrate? Is it that I am tired of doing this holiday thing alone after seven years? Is it that I still miss his presence? Is is all of the above and more? YES!

I don't want to put up the Christmas tree. I don't want to make my special Christmas cookies. I don't want to make the once-a-year blueberry coffeecake for Christmas morning, and so on and so on. I rather just skip the holiday season and pretend it didn't exist, BUT I won't! I will muster up some kind of holiday cheer, because it is what my children want and need (and maybe I need it also), to know that life does move forward even when I sometimes can't .

Today I took out the first decoration. This tree is a tradition in our home. It is our advent tree counting the days until Christmas. Each day an apple is put on the tree and Christmas morning a star is placed on top. When my children were smaller, each would ~~ask to be~~ insist on being the one to put an apple on for the particular day. I made this tree and although it is not an impressive piece of artwork, it is something my children have always wanted displayed. Something so simple, yet so important. So here we go!

I MISS THIS!

2010-11-14T10:55:00.001-05:00

In Memory...

2010-11-07T14:35:00.001-05:00

Of our beloved George,

Brought Home

To the presence of his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ

Seven years ago,

November 7, 2003

You are missed!

You are loved!

You are never forgotten!

SEVEN

2010-11-06T08:58:00.008-04:00

Tomorrow, November 7, is the anniversary of George leaving this earth. Tomorrow, my son, D., will be baptized. When D. shared his plans of wanting to be baptized, we purposely chose this date to bring beauty from ashes, to remember what Christ not only has done for D., but also George, and that although we miss him greatly and continually, he is joyfully in the presence of the Lord. Baptism is not what saves us. It is a symbol of Christ's shedding of His blood, His death and His resurrection for our sins and how we are made new through our acceptance of His sacrifice for us. Baptism is a time of professing publically before God and man, what we have asked Christ to do in the depths of our hearts.

November 7 -- Seven years. The number seven's significance in the Bible can sometimes symbolize completeness and perfection. How wonderful to know that seven years ago, on November 7, my George was made complete and perfect when he closed his eyes to us and opened them to Jesus.

As I read further concerning the number, I found a fascinating statement: “A major Hebrew word for making an oath or swearing, shava', was closely related to the word seven, sheva'. The original meaning of “swear an oath” may have been “to declare seven times” or “to bind oneself by seven things.”

So tomorrow, November 7, seven years after his dad’s death, D. will be professing his faith by baptism, publicly making an oath, if you will, to the congregation and before God, that in the quiet of his heart, D. has accepted Jesus as his Savior and has committed his life to Christ. No mere coincidence!!!

"But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace." Psalm 37:11

Sometimes

2010-11-05T23:47:00.045-04:00

the days leading up to THE DAY can be more difficult than the actual day itself. There is much thinking and remembering that goes on. It can totally drain oneself emotionally and mentally so by the time "the day" comes, you have already gone through the motions of grief.

Each year something catches my attention. This year my thoughts have turned to the ages of my children when our lives were turned upside down. It began soon after I saw my niece a couple of months ago when her daddy came home from Afghanistan. The joy on her sweet face spoke volumes of the love she has for her daddy. As I watched, it dawned on me that my precious C., was exactly my niece's current age, when George died. It was a surreal moment to know that my little girl, who loved her daddy so much, could actually have experienced this tremendous loss at such a tender young age. She now has very few memories of George and that saddens me because with each year that passes her memories continue to fade.

I realized as I wrote a message in my son D.'s birthday card just recently, that he had only just turned 13 when his father died and now he has left those teenage years behind, turning 20. That had an incredible impact on me, filling my heart with sorrow, knowing he has had to journey to adulthood without the guidance and mentoring of his father.

As I have watched young boys play without a care in the world, my thoughts turned to A., who was just 11 when he found his dad. His innocence and security was stripped away by an ugly reality of life.

Knowing my youngest is about to turn 16 in just a couple of months brought the painful awareness that my oldest, E., was 16 when she lost her daddy. I look at C. now and her maturity level and say to myself, E. was still too young to have had to deal with this horrific experience.

As for me...I look in the mirror and see the affects of being alone and having to maintain a household, children and life. Not a pretty site! It has taken it's toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My body has never been through a "workout" like this. It will never be the same.

I will never be the same.

We will never be the same.

Still Think of Them Everyday?

2010-10-26T15:59:00.001-04:00

I occasionally visit a widow's forum, not as often as I did, but I still need to have a connection to those who are walking the same road. I need that assurance that I am not alone in this journey. This time of year is especially hard.

In one post, the question was asked, "do you still think of them (him) everyday?" Many answers were posted, and as I pondered mine, I came to the reality that, YES, I still think of George everyday! How can I not when I had spent 21+ years with him, when everything around me, everywhere I go, every time I look at my children, every time I walk out my front door, there is a reminder of him.

It may be a passing thought or a lingering memory.

It may be with a tear or a smile.

It may be with a deluge of grief or a burst of laughter.

It may be with anger that he is gone from here or joy that he is in Heaven.

But there is always a deep "SIGH" with the longing of wishing I could see him again, hear his voice, hug him, hold his hand, discuss our children, our future, our lives.

Yes, I do think of George everyday and I believe I always will. He was and is still a part of my heart, and THAT will never go away!

Today

2010-10-18T10:58:00.001-04:00

I MISS

HIM,

HER,

and

HER!

For different reasons,

because of different circumstances,

but I miss them all!

FALL!

2010-10-10T12:46:00.015-04:00

)

(
)
(
)
(
)
(

Love You Forever

2010-09-23T21:21:00.003-04:00

I received the book, Love You Forever by Robert Munsch, from my dear friend, J. after both of our first children were born. It has become a classic to most mothers for the past 20+ years. I read it to each of my children many times over, always reading it in the perspective of the mommy, because...I was the mom.

I recently read through the book again, but now I read it through the eyes of the child as I think about my mom. Throughout my life she has held me, rocked me, carried me both literally and figuratively and spoken tender words. She's been there for me as the shy, introverted child, the awkward teen, the "know-it-all" young adult, the "blushing" bride, the inexperienced wife, the nervous new mother and the grieving, lost widow.

Now I am the adult child in the book. As I watch my mother's body become more and more weak and unable to express the words she once did, it is my turn to "hold" her, "rock" her, "carry" her and "speak" these tender words:

"I love you forever,

I like you for always,

as long as I'm living,

my MOMMY you'll be."

Finally Home

2010-09-21T11:56:00.033-04:00

We stood waiting with anticipation at the "Green Ramp". There was excitement in the air as we watched the plane carrying the soldiers taxi to it's stopping point.

The door to the plane opened and the soldiers began disembarking from the aircraft, lining up into formation. When the last man was off, the formation was complete and they marched in sync towards us. The sound of cheers reverberated all around, flags waved, and "Welcome Home" signs swayed as the music of the band played in the background.

They marched past, weary from hard fought battles with an enemy that was cruel, devious and determined to destroy, weary from some losses, weary from their long journey, but. . .relieved. They entered through the huge door to a building where the inside was set up and prepared for their homecoming. As they walked by, we all strained to get a glance of the soldiers/OUR soldier. We followed in and observed as they stood at attention.

The National Anthem was sung, a few words were spoken and prayer of thanksgiving was lifted up to God. Finally, they were released into the waiting crowd -- everyone eagerly searching for their one special soldier. We found ours: Will -- husband, father, son, brother, brother-in-law, uncle - OURS! Hugs and love exchanged -- Finally Home!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As I've reflected upon this amazing experience over the past couple of weeks and hearing the song from Mercy Me, "Finally Home", I began to envision Heaven and how it will be when we come “home”. Jesus said He is preparing a place for us for our homecoming. The War has been won by His death and resurrection, but The enemy is still engaging in battle here on earth, wanting to kill and destroy and we are on the battlefield. We are weary but the time will come when the battles will be over. Those who have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior will enter into the gates of Heaven and there waiting will be those who have gone before us, children of the Most Holy God – my beloved, George; my sister, Leeann; my grandparents; dear Jill; family; friends and strangers, all waiting eagerly with open arms, praising God, singing, glorious music filling this heavenly place -- welcoming us home. Then, THEN, we will see HIM, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and we will bow down before Him in awe and humbleness, with thanksgiving and relief and we will know that we are FINALLY HOME!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ng3hXrhaGRU&feature=related

August 27, 1930

2010-08-27T17:06:00.003-04:00

On this day, 80 years ago, a baby boy was born. He was the first love of my life. He is my hero. He is my father, my dad, my daddy. Today we celebrate 80 years of living, of loving, of caring. Over the years, I have learned what hard work is, honesty, integrity, honor, sacrifice and service from him. He can be as sweet as honey and as gruff as, well, a "yankee" (he is a Brooklyn, New Yorker through and through). It is who he is and I love him for all he is!

I don't know what I would have done without him over these last almost 7 years. He made a HUGE sacrifice moving from his and my mom's beautiful home in a small town in the mountains where they lived for 27 years, started a church, had close friends, an enjoyable retirement job...THEIR LIFE, to move to the city where I live. That kind of transition would be difficult for most, but for him and my mom, it was enormous -- giving up all they had known for me and my children! It blows my mind and touches my heart!!!

Dad, thank you for loving mom, for loving me, my husband, my kids, and especially for loving God. Thank you that each time I smell coffee it reminds me of you sitting at the table on our back porch in NY Saturday mornings reading the newspaper and talking. Thank you for putting up the pool every summer when we lived in NY and making it fun. Thank you for running all over Ft. Lauderdale to get just the right emerald green shag carpet that I wanted for my "teenage" room. Thank you for looking for me when I occasionally went past curfew (grounded!!) because you cared so much. Thank you for sitting with me when George had his seven hour surgery for cancer and keeping me calm. Thank you for building a tree house for the grandchildren to play in when we visited. Thank you for making that snowy Christmas in the mountains special by getting car tire tubes to slide down the huge hill. Thank you for the time you came to my room and asked if you could help me clean, but what you were really saying was "are you o.k.?", after a breakup. Thank you for the flowers you have given me for special days before I was married and now that I am widowed. Thank you for being there for my "freak-out" moments. Thank you for fixing up that "cool" '66 Mustang for me and K. to drive. I loved that car! Thank you for the privilege of watching you fix things--I loved those times and learned so much. Thank you for trusting me enough to co-sign on my first car loan and teaching me how to drive a manual shift after it was bought. Thank you for your commitment to God, for getting us to church every Sunday and serving there. Thank you for walking me down the aisle at my wedding and walking with me through the grief of my loss. Thank you for going to the cemetary on those certain days and remembering George. Thank you for your hugs.

DAD

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!!

"Homesick"

2010-08-23T21:19:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, while driving in the car, "Homesick" by Mercy Me came on the radio. I hadn't heard it in a long time but remembered the first time I did, tears poured without restraint as I thought of George. I know he is in a better place, I rejoice for him, but I still will never understand why he was taken when he was, NEVER, while I am here on this earth.

This time, though, as I listened to the words, tears did not come -- only the sound of a vast, heartfelt "SIGHHHH" coming from the depths of my soul. It was a profound yearning to be HOME where George is, where Jesus is, where peace is.

I know there are still things that God would have me accomplish here but. . ."I've never been more homesick than now!"

"F" words FLYING

2010-08-16T19:10:00.007-04:00

FEARFUL
    is what I have been as long as I can remember
    and it has magnified since George's death
    especially concerning
FAMILY
FINANCES
   and
FUTURE
   which makes me
FLOUNDER
   and get into a
FUNK
   but I put on a good
FACADE
   when asked how I am doing
   and the word
FINE
   comes out of my mouth easily
   only for me to consider myself
   to be a
FRAUD
   because most times
   I am not really
   and as a Christian
   I am to
FEAR
   not
   and then I
FRET
   that my
FAITH
   is weak and
FEEL
   much like I have
FAILED
   my
FATHER
   in Heaven
   and my
FAMILY
   but
FORTUNATELY
   God is
FULL
   of
FORGIVENESS
   and although
   I still
FEAR
HE is
FAITHFUL!

PHEW!!