A Smidgen . . . .

of pain, sadness, loneliness, envy, longing is what I feel. It comes when I hear about Father/Daughter or Father/Son activities at my child’s school. It comes when I see friends whose husbands are spending time with their children doing what my husband should have been doing. It comes when I am with a married friend and their husband calls and at the end of the conversation there is an “I love you.” It comes when I hear or read when someone’s husband is away temporarily and they “miss him SO much!” It comes when someone talks about going away with their husband and how excited they are. It comes when someone says or writes how they are so blessed to be married to their best friend, prince or whatever word they choose. It comes when I see a daddy hugging their child or just hanging out with them. It comes when I hear about a dad who is teaching their son (or daughter) a skill. It is especially hard when it is someone I know well. Don’t misunderstand, I am thrilled that there are marriages where love abounds and there are fathers that take time to be there for their children. I do rejoice for those families. I want that for them, but it doesn’t negate my feelings. Six years of being without him, doing things on my own, has not changed the empty place in my heart. So, I have found myself pulling away from some relationships, wondering still – where do I fit in.

Fifty-Nine

Today we celebrate my parent’s 59th wedding anniversary. No small feat these days with the living together way of thinking, widespread divorce and, sadly, death happening at younger and younger ages. I feel privileged to have watched my parent’s marriage and their devotion to one another through the ups and downs that life brings.

They met during their teen years. My father would whistle at my mother when she walked by. They married, had four children of their own and opened their hearts to adopt two more children.

Their life together has not been without difficulties – great losses, health issues, financial difficulties and the typical relationship stresses. Through it all, though, their love and devotion to each other has endured. When they made their vows on February 3, 1951, it was for life.

They have shown love, kindness, generosity, hospitality and forgiveness not just to their family but to those who they have met through the years. Their faith and commitment to Jesus Christ is strong. I am truly grateful for my father and mother!

So Happy 59th Anniversary Mom and Dad! I love you so very much!!!!!

My Sister

Today is my sister’s birthday. Happy Birthday my dear, sweet K. I love you so much! She is two years older than me but we always joke that for just a few months she is only one year older. K. and I are so very different in our personalities. She has always been more outgoing, engaging and enjoys being around people. I have always been the quiet, shy, introverted one.  Together we make a good pair.  She’s the out-front person (which I don’t care for) and I’m the behind the scenes person (which she doesn’t care for). We always talk about having a business together because we would work well with each other. We just don’t know what kind of business it would be. We once thought of having a soft pretzel business and calling it “The Twisted Sisters” because there have been so many twists and turns in our lives, and well, we’re a little twisted ourselves.

I am thankful for K. She encourages me, supports me and loves me for who I am. This doesn’t mean we haven’t had our differences. Throughout our lives we had moments of sibling rivalry and different opinions on things, but overall we get along well and I have fond memories of much laughter between us.

When we were young, my parents would put us children to bed EARLY, even during the summer. We shared a room, so to entertain ourselves, because we were NOT tired, we would sing songs. Our favorite was “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” (I know this is dating ourselves!!) =]. Then we would tell jokes, whatever jokes we could make up. We would lay flat on our beds and one of us would pop up with a joke, lay down, and then the other would pop up with an answer. This would go on for quite some time before we got sleepy or were told it was time to quiet down. I treasure those times.

There were other times when we would sit by the stereo, listening to music, and playing cards for hours. We also took piano lessons together. My mother thought it would be a good idea for us to learn. NOT A GOOD IDEA! K. and I would constantly giggle during the lessons and while practicing at home. The teacher finally said we were not teachable and basically kicked us out because we didn’t take it seriously enough. No, but we had fun together.

I enjoy my sister’s company. For the past three years, she has been physically ill with something that no one could diagnose. She was finally diagnosed, after many doctors' visits, tests, etc. and is slowly beginning to recuperate but her body is still very weak. Her laughter is coming back and I take pleasure in it.

This is one of my favorite pictures of the two of us. It is Christmas time and we are adorned in our “fancy” dresses with our special black velvet headbands decorated with a bow, which was only allowed to be worn on special occasions. We were happy, best buddies, enjoying the moment together. I remember it distinctly. We are still happy with each other, best buddies and enjoying every moment we can get with each other.

So today K., I wish you the sweetest birthday. I am glad you are my sister. Thank you for the laughter you bring to me and the shoulder you let me cry on when needed. You are a blessing!!!!

Happiness vs. Joy

This was part of a general post that was written on facebook by someone my son knows.

The original post:

"If you want joy in your life, think about what God has given instead of what he has taken away:)"

The response from my son:

"Very true. But you know you can find joy through a few certain circumstances where God has taken things away."

I am so proud of my son’s response, because he GETS IT! He has had the most precious person “taken away” and yet he has found joy. Let this not be mistaken as being happy. I think feeling happy has been misconstrued as having joy, but these have very separate meanings. The feeling of happiness comes and goes. Good things happen – feel happy. Bad things happen – feel sad. Joy is – He gives and takes away – Blessed be the name of the Lord. The focus is on God! It’s very easy to say “God is good” when things are going well, but say that when things are going bad, when you have experienced deep hurt or loss – that is difficult. I absolutely believe we must always be thankful for the good that God has given us. I tend to let that slide much too often. I also believe that the deepest, most profound joy comes through the trials, the hurts, the losses because that is when we MUST turn to God, which strengthens our relationship with Him, which brings joy to the depths of our soul. This doesn’t mean we are always going to feel good, that sadness will escape us or we won’t be touched by the deep pain of loss.

I am disappointed by the “Americanized” Christianity that seems to base spiritual growth by how you feel – that you should always “feel” happy because “everything will work out great”. I believe that we lie when we present it in those terms. I think we need to be truthful and share that life is still very hard and we may not understand everything that happens, but there is hope beyond this life and that is through having a relationship with the Savior, Jesus Christ.

So D., my dear son, you amaze me with your wisdom and the spiritual growth I see, not because everything has been so easy for you, but because you are looking to God for everything. Thank you for teaching me. You have the sweetest spirit!

Another Birthday --- Another miracle

Today is my youngest child's birthday. She is 15 today. She is a miracle. After our three other miracles -- daughter, son, son, I knew I wanted one more -- another daughter. I had her name picked out when I was pregnant with my second child and that didn't change. I knew I wanted my C. George had reservations, not about having another child, but about the timing, and would we be able to conceive again. We had three and the odds were always against us. We were much older and there were no guarantees. But I felt the timing was "now or never" - why wait, at least try.  God's timing was perfect.  I became pregnant and later down the road, we were able to get a free ultrasound to find that we were having a girl, our C.  She was born at 11:22 p.m., 7lbs. 6oz., on January 12, 1995.   She was/is beautiful!  We always called her our "little firecracker" because she was a bit much more active,expressive, spunkier than the other three.  But the real miracle is that 6 months after C. was born, George was diagnosed with cancer and underwent chemo and surgery.  Had we waited, had we not listened to the urging in our hearts, C. might never been here and oh what a loss that would have been, knowing her now.  She was born with one dimple and I always told her that it was a special kiss from God.  Although she was just a baby when George had cancer, she helped him in so many ways.  He did not have much strength.  He would lay on the ground and C. would crawl all over him.  They would play and snuggle and it brought a special bond between them, a bond that I was unable to give at the time dealing with the logistics of taking care of things while George was sick.  So I am thankful for that special time -- Daddy and Daughter.

So my dearest C., I am blessed to have you as my daughter.  You are a gift from God and I am thankful for you.   I love you always.  Mommy

A Reminder

After George died I listened to a Christian radio station that ministered to me tremendously. I believe grief makes you more sensitive spiritually and your heart opens up so that what you hear becomes more meaningful. I know that the music and radio programs I heard seemed to minister to me directly. I decided to write a letter to the radio station, with a small donation, to thank them for their ministry. I shared about my husband’s death and asked them for prayer for me and my 4 children. I never expected a response. A week or so later, I received this card in the mail.



Note the date – January 6, 2004. This is George’s birthday. It was his first birthday not being here with us. I never shared any details like this to the radio station. God knew we needed prayer that day and that although others may not know the details, He does. When I don’t feel His presence or feel He’s forgotten me, He is always near. I carry this card in my Bible to remind me of this, because I seem to forget all too frequently.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Happy Birthday George! You would have been 53 today. We miss you still! But we know you are celebrating with our Savior, Jesus!

P.S. To my dear friend, TA, who lost her husband five years ago today – Thinking of you! Thanks for your friendship. I love you!

Belated Happy Birthday!

I intended to post this yesterday around the time that E. was born – BUT...I fell asleep. :/

Today is my oldest daughter’s 23rd birthday. She is truly a miracle baby, as are my other three children. Doctors told my husband and me that we had a less than 1% chance of having any children. We were devastated when we heard those words. But with the encouragement of our wonderful doctor and the prayers of many dear friends, I became pregnant with E. She was born January 5, 1987 at 11:27 p.m., 7lbs. 9oz., 21 1/2 in. long. She was BEAUTIFUL! -- and still is! God blessed us beyond measure that day and I continue to be blessed with her in my life. I love you, my sunshine!