My Hope

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace

 as you believe in Him

so that you may overflow with hope 

by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

 

 

  

Tears Flowing. . .

but not for the reason one might think.  These are sweet, precious, happy tears given to me by my son.  Last week while in the car driving somewhere, we were chatting away and I believe I asked him if he was alright.  He said yes and then he asked me if I was alright.  In a humorous tone, I said, "I think I'm alright -- am I alright?"  He chimed back, "Mom, you are alright in my book!"  That statement melted my heart!

This morning, after he had left for school, I came out of my bathroom and on the floor was a huge heart-shaped box of candy with a simple homemade card.  On the front was written, ' "A__'s" Book'.  On the inside were two columns.  One side had the title, "Alright", the other side the title, "Not Alright".  Under "Alright" was one item.  It said, "Mom".  The other side there was a long list of witty and humorous items that only he could come up with to make me laugh.

Well, the tears flowed and flowed and flowed and my daughter asked me why I was crying and I showed her the card.  She thought it was great! 

This guy knows how to "romance" a girl -- simple, sweet and to-the-point!

Later I was treated with more candy, flowers and cards.  What more could I ask for?  I am truly blessed with wonderful children and others who have shown their love not just today but everyday!

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

It doesn't take a spouse or significant other to enjoy this day -- just people who love you deeply and sincerely!

Drained!

Today has been a less than productive day.  You could say I have been in a somewhat numb state of being.  I woke up this morning worn out after having a dream about George.  It has been awhile since I have had any dreams about him, but when I do, the theme is always the same.  He comes back but we can never be together.  We are forever separated, although, he is right there with me.  Some thing or someone comes between us.  This dream was someone.  I was SO angry in my dream.  I tried hard to understand why he could not be with me, but no explanations.  Just sadness.  In my dream I tried to hit, break, throw, do something to get my anger out but I did not have enough strength to release it.  I wanted to hurt him for not choosing to be with me but couldn't.   When I awoke I was emotionally drained.

Then to hear of the death of "P" whom I wrote of in my previous post, just kind of put me over the edge.  I cried and cried, all the pain of my loss coming to the surface, again, and thinking of how this family will have to go through the same.

On top of it all, my mother's health continues to deteriorate both physically and mentally and that just saddens me to my very core.

So today, I thought I would wake up to get some much needed projects done, but instead, I just piddled around, doing nothing much of anything and feeling like life has been drained out of me.

Hoping with a good night's rest -- no dreams -- I will be better in the morning.

Promises, Promises

A few days ago while driving home after I dropped my daughter off at school, I was treated to a beautiful gift.  It was a rainbow.  I know, I know, rainbows are not an unusual occurrence, but this one seemed different, so unexpected with the sun shining and the sky mostly clear.  It was early in the morning and rain clouds were building in the western sky.  As I looked at this rainbow -- just beginning, not completely whole -- I noticed that the darker and more dense the clouds, the deeper, richer and more distinct the colors were.  As the clouds started to spread their darkness across the sky, the more complete the rainbow became.  It was only from the sun shining its light upon these blackened clouds that this brilliant rainbow appeared.

I love rainbows and the reminder of what they represent -- the promises of God.  While I observed the sky (wishing I had a camera with me), I thought about life and how we experience the darkest of times.  They cover and fill us with the heaviness of an ominous, rain-filled cloud.  BUT,

if we/I look purposefully . . . 

It is at these times that the light of God's promises can shine more brightly.

It is at these times that His promises become more rich, more deep, more distinct.

It is at these times that we can see the beauty His promises hold.

It is at these times that His promises move us closer to completeness.

It is at these times that I must remember to cling to God's Word.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, 

in that while we were still sinners, 

Christ died for us/ME."

Romans 5:8

“For God so loved the world/ME, that he gave his only Son, 

that whoever believes in Him should not perish 

but have eternal life."

John 3:16

"Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be afraid, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you; I will help you;
I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

"The Lord watches over the alien, and sustains

(gives support or relief to, nourishes, carries, bears up under)

the fatherless and the widow,"

Psalm 146:a 

"And remember, I am with you always,

even to the end of the age."

Matthew 28:20 

" 'Though the mountains be shaken
   and the hills be removed,
yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken
   nor My covenant of peace be removed,'
   says the LORD, who has compassion on you."

Isaiah 54:10

"You will keep him in perfect peace,

Whose mind is stayed on You,

Because he trusts in You.

Trust in the Lord forever,

For in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength."

Isaiah 26:3-4

I started this post a few days ago.  This morning I found out that a family I had been praying for lost their beloved husband and father.  Over a year ago in the midst of a life filled with sunshine, a black cloud loomed in the distance.  "P" was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  As this dark cloud spread across this family, the "rainbow" of God's promises ever deepened in their lives.  This man and his family valiantly fought the cancer, always sharing their dependence on God to carry them through.  Today, though the darkness still looms over this family because of their great loss, "P" has now been made complete.  He is with his Savior, Jesus Christ.  Please keep them in your prayers -- surviving him are his wife and five children, ages 17 and up.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

A Post Revisited

The following was one of the first posts I put on my blog.  There were no explanations for it or why I wrote it, but I thought I would share now.  Around three years after George died, I felt as if I was heading for a breakdown.  There was much going on in my life and I could no longer handle my grief or the responsibilities and chaos that were swirling around me.  I was angry, hurt, depressed and felt as if God had abandoned and betrayed me.  I did not want to exist.  It is then that I sought counseling.  I remember telling my counselor that I envisioned myself on my knees slumped over -- in great despair.  Above me a battle was being waged for my life between Satan and God, and at that point, I did not know who was going to win.  I was in a desperate state -- physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I attended one-on-one counseling for awhile and then I was asked to be in a group setting.  There were several women, all with different backgrounds, all with different circumstances, all there because we were filled with hurt, insecurity, shame, hopelessness and anger.  Each week we read a chapter from a book and were given assignments.  Toward the end we were given an assignment to write a blessing to someone who had brought deep hurt into each of our lives.  This was to help release ourselves from the anger that weighed us down.  This was only to be shared within the group not actually sent out.

There will always be someone in one's life that will cause great pain and anger.  I could have picked a few, but the One that kept coming to my mind was God.   For me to be truly honest, I realized it was God I was most furious with because He was the One who could have let George live, He was the One who took George away, or so I felt at that time.  I was livid with Him and all the things that happened after his death that I had and still have to handle.

From listening to a song by the group Selah, "I Bless Your Name", and reading a book on the names of God, I came up with my own blessing to God relating His names to some of the circumstances I dealt with and continue to, along with new ones.

I wish I could say I don't still get angry, because I do at times, very, very angry.  There are many times I grieve, cry, struggle, get weary, fall in despair, feel lost, alone, afraid, ashamed.  Life is not easier just because I am a Christian and I am not immune from suffering,  Not. At. All!  But through the trials and tribulations, and there are MANY, I hope to . . . no, I NEED to . . . bless His name.

I bless your name, Adonai Yaweh, 

the Lord God, 

there is no other.

I bless your name, El Roi, 

the One who Sees me, 

when I feel invisible.

I bless your name, Adonai Shalom, 

the Lord of Peace,

when I am anxious and afraid.

I bless your name, Elohim Emet, 

the God of Truth,

when I am full of doubt.

I bless your name, Elohei Ma’uzzi, 

God of My Strength,

when I am weak.

I bless your name, Elohei Mikkarov, 

the God who is near,

when I am alone.

I bless your name, Jehovah Nissi, 

the Lord is My Banner,

when I feel defeated.

I bless your name, Jehovah Rophe, 

the One who heals,

when I am wounded deep in my soul.

I bless your name, Ma’on,

the One who is a Refuge and Dwelling Place, 

when I need to run from the storms of life.

I bless your name, Jehovah Jirah, 

the One who will Provide,

when I am uncertain about my financial future.

I bless your name, Yaweh Ro’i, 

The Lord is My Shepherd,

when I am lost and can’t find my way.

I bless your name, Abba Father, 

the One who is THE daddy,

when I see my children without their daddy.

I bless your name, Parakletos, 

the Comforter and Advocate,

when I hurt or need someone to stand up for me.

I bless your name, Yeshu’ah, 

the God of Salvation and Deliverance, 

who saves me from the depths of despair 

and delivers me onto the safe rock.

 I bless your name, Go’el, 

the Kinsman-Redeemer,

the one who paid the ultimate price for me.

I bless your name, 

El Shaddai, 

God Almighty.

I bless your name, 

Elohei Tehillati, 

God of My Praise.

"Starburst"

Today is my youngest child's birthday.  She is 17.  It is amazing how time can feel like it drags and yet, before you know it, it has flown by.  As I mentioned in another post, I commemorate my children's birthdays with some kind of birthday poster.  I have made 71 posters (3 x 18 + 17) over the last 25 years.  Whew, one more to go!  Although, I look forward to not having to make any more (trying to come up with a new 'creative' idea), I am also saddened that our four "babies" will be all grown up.

This birthday I used a "starburst" theme.  My daughter loves Starburst candies!  It fits her.  She burst into our lives seventeen years ago.  She dazzled us with her sparkly, in-your-face straightforward, full of energy, creative personality!  George and I fell in love with her the moment we lay eyes on her!  She is truly a gift from God.

This year has been a rough one for her.  Grief surfaced with great intensity.  I expected this to happen at some point because of her age when George died.  It has been difficult for her.  It has been difficult for me to see her hurting.  She is doing better and I have seen God use this time to work in her life . . . and mine too.

So . . .

I love you!

You bring a twinkle to my eye,
A smile on my face,
and 
Joy to my heart!

♫ "I'm Glad It's Your Birthday."♪

♩Happy Birthday to You! ♬ 

George, today would have been your 55th birthday, but it doesn't matter to you anymore.  I thought about how wonderful it must be to not have to think about growing old "gracefully" or "clumsily".  I thought about how you do not have to think about time, numbers, quotas.  You don't have to think about a having a job, losing a job, job reviews, money.  You don't have to think about sin, temptation, defeat, winning, being the best.  You don't have to think about aches, pains, illness, disease.  You don't even have to think about celebrating this one day because every day in Heaven is a celebration.  No, it's not about you, it is about Jesus and what He has done for you.  You get to celebrate and worship non-stop, eternally!  Wow, I am envious and glad and looking forward to the time when I can celebrate with you!

So, although I am thinking of you this day and celebrate that you were born and am so grateful you were a part of our lives and miss you like crazy, I have the joy of knowing that you are eternally free from the constraints of this world.

"But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: 
With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, 
and a thousand years are like a day." 

II Peter 3:8

"Better is one day in Your courts (Lord)
   than a thousand elsewhere;"
 Psalm 84:10a