The following was one of the first posts I put on my blog. There were no explanations for it or why I wrote it, but I thought I would share now. Around three years after George died, I felt as if I was heading for a breakdown. There was much going on in my life and I could no longer handle my grief or the responsibilities and chaos that were swirling around me. I was angry, hurt, depressed and felt as if God had abandoned and betrayed me. I did not want to exist. It is then that I sought counseling. I remember telling my counselor that I envisioned myself on my knees slumped over -- in great despair. Above me a battle was being waged for my life between Satan and God, and at that point, I did not know who was going to win. I was in a desperate state -- physically, emotionally and spiritually. I attended one-on-one counseling for awhile and then I was asked to be in a group setting. There were several women, all with different backgrounds, all with different circumstances, all there because we were filled with hurt, insecurity, shame, hopelessness and anger. Each week we read a chapter from a book and were given assignments. Toward the end we were given an assignment to write a blessing to someone who had brought deep hurt into each of our lives. This was to help release ourselves from the anger that weighed us down. This was only to be shared within the group not actually sent out.
There will always be someone in one's life that will cause great pain and anger. I could have picked a few, but the One that kept coming to my mind was God. For me to be truly honest, I realized it was God I was most furious with because He was the One who could have let George live, He was the One who took George away, or so I felt at that time. I was livid with Him and all the things that happened after his death that I had and still have to handle.
From listening to a song by the group Selah, "I Bless Your Name", and reading a book on the names of God, I came up with my own blessing to God relating His names to some of the circumstances I dealt with and continue to, along with new ones.
I wish I could say I don't still get angry, because I do at times, very, very angry. There are many times I grieve, cry, struggle, get weary, fall in despair, feel lost, alone, afraid, ashamed. Life is not easier just because I am a Christian and I am not immune from suffering, Not. At. All! But through the trials and tribulations, and there are MANY, I hope to . . . no, I NEED to . . . bless His name.
I bless your name,
Adonai Yaweh,
the Lord God,
there is no other.
I bless your name, El Roi,
the One who Sees me,
when I feel invisible.
I bless your name, Adonai Shalom,
the Lord of Peace,
when I am anxious and afraid.
I bless your name, Elohim Emet,
the God of Truth,
when I am full of doubt.
I bless your name, Elohei Ma’uzzi,
God of My Strength,
when I am weak.
I bless your name, Elohei Mikkarov,
the God who is near,
when I am alone.
I bless your name, Jehovah Nissi,
the Lord is My Banner,
when I feel defeated.
I bless your name, Jehovah Rophe,
the One who heals,
when I am wounded deep in my soul.
I bless your name, Ma’on,
the One who is a Refuge and Dwelling Place,
when I need to run from the storms of life.
I bless your name, Jehovah Jirah,
the One who will Provide,
when I am uncertain about my financial future.
I bless your name, Yaweh Ro’i,
The Lord is My Shepherd,
when I am lost and can’t find my way.
I bless your name, Abba Father,
the One who is THE daddy,
when I see my children without their daddy.
I bless your name, Parakletos,
the Comforter and Advocate,
when I hurt or need someone to stand up for me.
I bless your name, Yeshu’ah,
the God of Salvation and Deliverance,
who saves me from the depths of despair
and delivers me onto the safe rock.
I bless your name, Go’el,
the Kinsman-Redeemer,
the one who paid the ultimate price for me.
I bless your name,
El Shaddai,
God Almighty.
I bless your name,
Elohei Tehillati,
God of My Praise.